the middle of everywhere

a long time to hang in the sky.

2011-08-13T12:30:00.005-04:00

(note: this is kind of a crappy post. i wrote it over the course of a month so it's all disjointed and alternatingly angry and glad. but i'm not one to let a to be continued hang out in the universe too long. that's just asking for it.)

to begin writing this, i had to go back through the photos we took in santa fe. i think i had blocked most of it from my memory to avoid the painful reality that i do not live there.

santa fe is a really special place. one of those places where—and maybe this is just something i do—you sort of walk around scowling at all the folks you perceive to be residents. because, why are they so lucky? and why are you still residing in the fifth circle where the grass is so dead* it crunches like cheerios under your feet?

the only picture i have of downtown sf. i was busy.

i have some envy issues, i’ll admit.

so i looked through the photos of santa fe. and they could be categorized under the following headings. 1. giant smiles. 2. mexican beer. 3. the pool.

we went to the new mexico history museum, which isn’t a normal activity for us on vacation (i try to avoid all learning opportunities and instead seek out ways to challenge my fear of heights. (see: the blue ridge parkway. sacré-coeur. santa cruz pier cable cars. rio grand gorge bridge. the pacific coast highway. lookout mountain. and coming up later: pike's peak!)) but, both of us having grown up on the east side of this big country, we felt like we had everything to learn about this place, its history, and culture.

mostly though, we enjoyed learning about its food. blue corn and green chiles. avocados like whoa (avocadwhoa's?). we were both looking forward to trying the famous margaritas at maria's, a santa fe right of passage, but i forgot my id (haven't aged since 17, kids!).

paul didn't seem to mind that only he was drinking.

the evenings were irresistible. the breeze and the copper sky. we sat on our little plastic hotel chairs with our feet on the rail and talked about how much we hated the stupid people who lived here.

alas, we had to leave santa fe and move on to taos, a smaller, crunchier version of its capital cousin. in taos we kept our Respectable Vacation streak alive by going to the kit carson museum. do you know about this guy? the things they don’t teach you in ohio. (could fill a museum.)

we found an amazing chinese/japanese restaurant in taos and we ate there for lunch and dinner one day. (we’re learning that when you live in a small town, part of the fun of vacation is simply eating the kinds of food you can’t get at home. even if it's sesame chicken. or, um, papa johns.)

we also stood in wonder at the rio grande gorge, duran duran pulsated through my brain.

it was on to colorado springs a few days later, to see the big kid mountains. road mix blaring.

since paul had not sufficiently terrified me on this vacation (i felt like the high road to taos had done the trick, but alas), he decided we needed to drive to the top of pike's peak. i should have said no. i wanted to say no. but i said something more like, "sure. yeah. let's totally drive up a 14,000-foot mountain. sounds great. terrific, really. nothing i'd rather do."

i have some people-pleasing issues, i'll admit.

thirty minutes and twenty-four dollars later, i was struggling to breathe through gritted teeth.

let me tell you one thing about the pike's peak highway, ok? there are no guardrails.** (this has to be a mistake. do you think the department of transportation knows about this?) at about the 10,000-foot mark, you're on your own. floating in air. which might have been fun except for the down-bound cars careening by and my haywire sense of self-preservation.

so, i did what any grown woman would do. i started crying. weeping. big, blue crocodile tears. stuck my bottom lip out, too, for effect. and i looked at my husband and said, "i do not like this. i am not having fun. i want to go back down."

to which he replied: "ashley, we paid 24 dollars to do this. we're driving to the top."

paul knows how to talk to a lady, y'all.

in the end i made it by putting my forehead on the console while screeching to paul to keep his (expletive) eyes on the (expletive) road. he was having a fantastic time, let me tell you.

and just to prove that i am not exaggerating for literary purposes...paul captured this video at the top. luckily the camera died before i had to explain myself. please ignore my dirty hair.

i'm prouder of this scene.

and that was really it. after colorado springs we hit the road for salina, just to split up the drive home. we ate some amazing hamburgers there. the hotel was so-so.

the southwest is my new favorite place. if i was rich enough, i'd become one of those weird people who hangs dried chili peppers in their kitchen and wears nothing but turquoise and bone. instead i'm rocking the same old sterling silver and my house is devoid of any dangling chilis.

all i have left are the photos.
-----------------------------------------------
*i am happy to report the grass is coming back to life. it seems the days of 189-degree weather are over. for now.
**to be completely accurate, there are a few measly strips of guardrails. in all my hysteria, ten feet of metal once a mile did nothing to comfort me.

and we walked off to look for america.

2011-07-29T14:05:00.005-04:00

(note: i received a surprising number of emails encouraging me to continue with tMoE. y'all need to get cable, or something. regardless, it was sweet (really. very sweet.). furthermore, i'm not one to let a 1,700-mile road trip go to literary waste, so here you go.)

a very good friend of mine told me that new mexico was for “hippies, meth addicts, and old people.” which is funny, because she's from florida. anyway, given that i feel a strong kinship with two of the three (you guess), i was jazzed.

the land of enchantment is enchanting, indeed. but the drive to get there had its own elements of seduction. western kansas is a weird place. driving through that barren country could make the saddest environmentalist forget that overpopulation is currently destroying the earth at a frightening rate. there is nothing out there. towns are just junctions, with nary a hamburger or bathroom to be found.

when you get really lucky, and two paved roads meet, you’ll find a gas station. inside, the three citizens of that junction are inevitably sitting around, chewing the fat (or, um, chew). and they stare you down as you head, grinning like an out-of-towner, toward the facilities. it’s like walking into someone’s living room.

silos and wind turbines punctuate the horizon.

in the panhandle of oklahoma, things start to get interesting. if you find small, rolling hills to be interesting. luckily, i do. we drove through infamous boise city, which was sold to eastern pioneers as an elegant prairie town, tree-lined and brimming with commerce and fertile ground. it wasn’t. it still isn’t. i thought about all the people who showed up there expecting utopia and finding oklahoma. they made the best of it and then the dust bowl came. what luck.

in eastern new mexico, the mountains begin. after all that dizzying wide-openess, the mountains are like the scene in the wizard of oz where everything goes to color. still though, no people, no towns, no one to hear you scream.

we drove with the windows down, even though doing so generally means cutting knots from my hair later on (and sure enough). paul was so excited that the speed limit was 75, i was constantly working to pry his happy attention from the speedometer. and our road mix was on repeat.

alas, the mix got old. and all that road magic wore off around the 10-hour mark. (sometimes it really is the destination, not the journey.) and when we got to santa fe, we were hot and tired and my hair looked like cotton candy.

to be continued.

somewhere in middle america (happy anniversary, kansas!)

2011-07-15T16:12:00.006-04:00

one year ago this afternoon, i was sitting on the back stoop drinking a warm miller lite. melting in the kansas heat and ruing the day i ever agreed to move out here.

we had only been in kansas for three hours and were already experiencing some new-house blues. no matter how low we set the air, the thermostat remained at 87. (which i read as "yup. still 87, fuckers! welcome to the house you bought!") the cats were panting like dogs and seemed to be seriously considering suicide after 24 hours in the car.

and you'll remember, we had received word somewhere back in illinois, that the furniture would be taking its sweet time in getting out here.

i was ready to throw my husband out with the rust-colored bathwater.

i couldn't even fake a new-house smile.

made in ohio. miserable in kansas.

back to the part where i'm drinking my skunky beer. paul was sitting next to me but abstaining, probably because drinking at 1pm would be sort of like admitting our life had gone to hell sans handbasket (it was still parked in a warehouse in columbia). i was thinking about a hotel. i imagine he was wondering how much alimony they'd take from his check each month.

and then. something magical happened. the hvac man pulled in the driveway. forty-five minutes after we called him. on a friday afternoon. smiling and ready to get to work. huh. maybe small town, kansas wasn't going to be so bad after all.

an hour later the house was inhabitable again and we negotiated forgiveness from the cats (wet food. works every time.)

it's only gotten better. our first year in kansas will go down as a good one, but not without it's challenges (see: winter). it still feels a little surreal and not quite home. but i no longer feel like a visitor in a foreign country.

which brings me to this particular corner of the internet. i've been thinking about whether or not to continue blogging. our life on the prairie isn't so novel anymore. and i am writing (and teaching) for a living again, and have had some trouble finding the energy (or inspiration) for my own expression. so i'm taking a break and trying to reimagine this space and its potential (actually i'm just trying to cajole paul into blogging with me).

in the meantime, we'll be taking a little spin around the old west.

burglars be ware: our housesitter is a bruiser.

but not before i drink a celebratory beer on the back porch. this year i will take it cold, because it is (quite literally) 106 degrees outside.

i think kansas forgot our anniversary.

a massive, subtle place.

2011-06-16T22:28:00.003-04:00

i've been lying awake at night, feeling like a mediocre writer. while this is nothing new (i do my best fretting/lamenting/self-loathing after the lights go out), this week the sensation is a little more potent. fresh off a foray deep into the kansas prairie, i've been struggling to find a way to describe it. you should just hear some of the bullshit i've come up with. except you shouldn't, because you'd lose the enormous amount of respect and admiration that you have for me.

walt whitman i am not.

if there's an original way to describe the endless wind, the dancing grass, the other-worldliness of it all, the solitude and silence, the way the buffalo seem to float through the grass without trying, the birds and bugs and lizards that ceaselessly shout from their hiding places, i cannot figure it out. writing about how it made me feel? forget about it.

so, i'll do that thing mediocre writers do and use someone else's words* in tandem with a ton of pictures. enjoy.

"the prairie, in all its expressions, is a massive, subtle place, with a long history of contradiction and misunderstanding. but it is worth the effort at comprehension. it is, after all, at the center of our national identity." (wayne fields)

"the joy of the prairie lies in its subtlety. it is so easy—too easy—to be swept away by mountain and ocean vistas. a prairie, on the other hand, requests the favor of your closer attention. it does not divulge itself to mere passersbys" (suzanne winckler)

we look at a prairie and we see a great emptiness, a void that staggers the psyche and leaves much too much room for a mind to wander. (randy winter)

"loneliness, thy other name, thy one true synonym, is prairie." (william quayle)

"some persons have failed to see anything beautiful in this region, and the hills have been called 'barren' and 'depressing.' perhaps the flint hills are more pleasing when they are at least in part understood" (j.m. jewett)

the last picture is my favorite. my mom taking it all in. if there's anyone to see the prairie with, it's her. having spent her whole life in ohio, my mother appreciates the slightest changes in sea level. she is also a badass when it comes to rescuing turtles from the peril of the double yellow line.

"there is no describing the prairies. they are like the ocean in more than one particular but in none more than this: the utter impossibility of producing any just impression of them by description. they inspire feelings so unique, so distinct from anything else, so powerful, yet vague and indefinite, as to defy description, while they invite the attempt." (john james ingalls)

*all quotes taken from prairyerth by william least heat moon, a book i highly recommend, especially to kansans.

(we're not) the jet set.

2011-06-07T17:55:00.001-04:00

three and 1/2 weeks ago...we were in ann arbor, michigan.

being back in a college town was good for my soul. and ann arbor is a college town on steroids (organic, free-range steroids, of course). just a few examples:

-in a bar bathroom, i was pleased to see an adrienne rich quote in place of the standard "so-and-so is loose" fare. yeah, adrienne rich.

-paul found some sort of cultural studies/marxist reader in the 'free' box outside of a bookstore. i don't know about your town, but our free box consists mostly of bible tracts and gum wrappers. i think it's his new favorite book.

-overheard bar conversations tended to go something more like this: "blue velvet is probably my favorite lynch film, but i could make the case for wild at heart," than like this: "...i woke up in my own vomit. and then did, like, six jagerbombs."

ultimately, i am not cool/hip/smart enough to live in ann arbor, but i enjoyed faking it for a few days. also, the drink specials were stupid-amazing.

three weeks ago...we were in marietta, ohio.

sweet marietta from the top of the valley gem sternwheeler.

marietta is a sweet, breezy town on the ohio river. i was working on an article about the ohio river scenic byway so we were put up in a nice, historic hotel and given a personal riverboat tour. we whiled away the rest of the afternoon researching. (re·search /ree-surch/ n. via foot, eating and drinking at as many different establishments before passing out in a cholesterol and craft beer-induced coma, in the name of precise journalism, of course. see: gluttony, overindulgence.)

i love going home to ohio and realizing that it actually isn't lame, as i so fervently believed for the first eighteen years of my life.

(spoiler alert!) i cannot make you wait until october to read about remo's, just in case you find yourself in gallipolis, ohio between now and then. remo's has changed my entire outlook on the hot dog and now i can't imagine eating one that's not covered in a meaty italian sauce and then smothered in onions and pickles. also, i had a small fritos epiphany at remo's. (a foodie, i am not.)

2 and 1/2 weeks ago...we were in Portsmouth, Ohio.

p-town is just the right mix of gritty and pretty. nothing fancy here. just the kind of good ol', nose-down blue-collar town that i love. ask a local about portsmouth and they'll probably tell you about hillbilly heroin (oxycontin) and the boredom. but i found the two main storylines in portsmouth to be the hills (the hills!) and the pervasive public art.

1 and 1/2 weeks ago...we came home. just in time for the harvest.

i know. you've been on the edge of your see wondering how the whole lettuce experiment is going. and it's going well, thank you for caring. (full disclosure: i got about two salads out of the crop before the evil and cruel being that controls the weather in kansas decided to crank up the thermostat, choking up all my beautiful leafy greens to death.) a small success, anyway.

1 week ago...we found hudson. or, hudson found us.

we met hudson at a bar of all places, on the back deck. he was wandering around looking for food and affection (aren't we all?) before presumptuously plopping himself down in my lap (hudson knows a sucker when he sees one, i guess). maybe it was his weird little face, maybe it was the miller lite, but i think paul and i decided simultaneously that we had to do something. the last thing we need is another cat, but sometimes it's just your turn.

so we brought him home and held him captive in the guest bedroom and fed him hot dogs. we named him hudson bay holmtown (the name of said bar) cook. he went to the vet, where they administered a hundred-some shots before deeming him good to go. because his mere presence caused utter mayhem in the house, we've set him up in the garage. (as a garage cat, he's free to come and go as he pleases. he has orange-cat adventures during the day and then comes home for food and attention at night. it sort of feels like hudson is our son that moved back in with us after he finished college.) i bought him a collar today, so now it's official.

a new kitty, just in time for the dog days.

tuesdays (and wednesday and thursday) with gussy: we got a great big convoy.

2011-05-25T19:45:00.003-04:00

we are currently stationed in effingham, il (crossroads of opportunity, in case you've been looking for it) waiting out some tornadic activity on our way back to the windy west. (attention mother nature: please leave the good people of the great plains alone.) sitting in a days inn (classy) drinking some old style (classier) and watching some court tv.

our vacation is coming to an end and we're more than exctied to get back to kansas. we love love love to travel, but we're also pretty committed to our animals, and since most of them can't come with us, we usually find ourselves craving some (furry) family time by the end of a road trip.

the nice thing about having a dog is that he can come with you. gus is a great travel companion, save for the constant suffocating farts from the backseat (feed a dog a meximelt...). he's a little big for his space, but he does what he can, contorting and shifting to get comfortable. gus is a master of making himself sleep (he gets that from paul) and generally only opens his eyes when we slow down to pull into a town or a taco bell.

on this excursion, i've caught a few priceless pics of the goobs, living and loving life on the road.

classic gus. face on the console to keep us company.

gus pretzel.

helping paul navigate through indy.

towards the end of a leg. surly.

surlier (sexier?).

homestretch.

back in the car. this is the floor is his go-to place when the backseat has nothing left to offer.

getting cozy at the 'effing hotel' in effingham.

it's been real. but i think we'll all be happy to get back to the feline members of the fam, the back patio, and frisbee. kansas or bust.

all that road going.

2011-05-22T21:21:00.005-04:00

forgive the hiatus. school's out for summer and we're currently bumming around the midwest for a conference (paul's), an article assignment (mine) and some mike-sells potato chips.

but tonight i've caught a minute to upload some photos (and lodge some sour cream and green onion crumbs into the keyboard). before we skipped town, paul's people (two generations worth!) came to see us in kansas. we accomplished a lot in one week, striking a few items from our to-do-in-southeast-kansas list (which is longer than you might think).

we finally rode the trolley! through the old neighborhoods, the national cemetary, and historic downtown. we were feeling the hometown pride.

...and then we felt like barfing. chicken annie's is one of the 17 famous sek chicken joints. our new favorite and just an obscene amount of food.

file also under: finally. toured the fort. learned about frontier life and some early american wars. (bonus points for being gus friendy!)

oklahoma joe's. technically in kc. technically heaven on earth. don't you dare die without eating at ok joe's.

while in kc, root for the royals. until they fall behind by 17 runs. then you sulk out during the 6th inning and drown your sorrows in a club sandwich.

after all that, we needed a rest. instead we hit the road, logging more than 1,000 miles in the last five days. we're a little sleepy but mostly thankful to be traveling again. staring at road maps, driving through cornfields and seeing who can hold it the longest.

results will be published at a later date.

enough about me.

2011-05-03T13:20:00.003-04:00

when i started this blog, my intention was to write about our new hometown as we explored it. alas, the dog and my old-man obsession with the weather have preempted most of our sunflower state experiences. some of that is on purpose. largely because our lives involve other people, most of whom would probably prefer to stay unmentioned on some chick's blog. which is fair enough.

but this afternoon, as i finish my first (awesome!) slice from our new independently-owned pizza place and after a great weekend which involved a fantastic show at the local theater, i'm motivated to tell you about some of the cool things that are going on in our little piece of the world...

a month ago, the citizens of this fair town overwhelming voted for a sales tax increase to support a new swimming pool as well as updates to the community center. i know what you're thinking: raising taxes to provide services that will benefit every member of the community? almost sounds progressive. uh huh.

last week, ground was broken for a new community garden. even in agrarian kansas, a lot of people cannot afford to eat healthy and fresh foods. now produce from the garden will be available to those people through a local charity. also last week, work started on a no-kill shelter, which is a no-brainer for most communities, but until now, an unfeasible endeavor for a town of only 8,000. its been very discouraging for us (we're animal lovers, have you noticed) to witness such a large stray population and the prevailing attitude of indifference that fosters it. but i know a lot of people worked hard to make the shelter a reality, so there is definitely hope.

also, the old military fort that draws thousands of visitors a year is now free to the public. spring is here, which means that two days a week the plaza in front of the fort will fill up with the tents and truckbeds of the farmer's market. best amish bread ever, y'all.

back to those people. we have encountered some of the nicest, most generous people. they've invited us to be apart of community events and service organizations, included us in intimate get-togethers and full-on parties. they remember our names, the "pretty, yellow house" we live in and what kind of dog we have (in fact, just today, a stranger at the park walked over to gus and me to donate a frisbee he "oh, hardly uses" to our cause). they've bought us dinner, concert tickets, and beers. and you know what? some of them are even liberal. (am i blowing your mind?)

long blog short, we like it here. sure, it's no new york city. but then, i guess that's kind of the point.

tuesdays with...franny. (food rage edition)

2011-04-26T14:38:00.004-04:00

usually tuesdays are all about gus, but today franny is crashing the party.

we ran out of cat food last night. since i was planning on going to the store this morning, i reasoned that our obese felines could go one night without the chow. when i went to bed, franny was camped out by her bowl and looking pissed. i told her that gandhi did it for, like, a month, so she could go twelve hours.

this morning i woke up to this:

not. effing. around.

in a fit of hungry rage, franny had disassembled her feeder and thrown around the empty food cannister.

she is indeed a girl after my very own heart.

an easter bucket.

2011-04-24T18:45:00.006-04:00

being far from family on holidays does have certain advantages. fewer dishes, new traditions. and you can invite all your greasy friends over for dinner.

the animals were particularly excited to see the colonel.

happy easter from the cooks, abandoning holiday convention since 2011.

(p.s. to our families: we miss you (and the ham!).)

let us grow lettuce and other outdoor excursions.

2011-04-19T20:51:00.006-04:00

so i made a deal with myself. this year, i would try to grow one edible thing in the backyard. if i succeeded--if i was able to create something that could be safely ingested, i would retire my it's-too-hard attitude when it came to the garden. if it didn't work--if nothing grew and we were stuck eating produce from california for yet another summer, then i was off the hook and would never have to feel guilty about not gardening again.

the vegetable that will determine the fate of future summers is...lettuce.

i was unsure as to which result i was really hoping for. on one hand, i'm good at most things that involve time and patience: owning animals, baking, being married to an academic. on the other, i'm terribly lazy when it comes to physical activity outdoors. don't get me wrong, i love to be outside. but on two conditions: there's a chair and a drink involved.

on day eight, it seems that i am winning. or losing. whichever.

like i've mentioned, we've been spending a lot of time on the porch now that spring seems to have officially arrived (knock on wood). being ever so handy and ambitious in the out-of-doors (he's the fisher, camper, canoer, and all-around windows-down person in our family), paul has made some upgrades to our little space.

a while back he brought home a fire pit, which was sort of a revelation for me. i've always loved sitting around a fire (the perfect third to a chair and a drink) at other people's houses but never thought it was something i could do on my own (this was way before the ego-altering experience of growing lettuce, mind you).

and you may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife. if you're this guy, that is.

turns out, burning stuff is easy. and really fun. things were good.

but then our indoor-outdoor stereo went kaput. to be fair, it wasn't technically an outdoor piece of equipment, we just pretended like it was. also, we left it outside in a thunderstorm. or, like, 7 thunderstorms. so, i guess we sort of had it coming.

until, that is, paul came up with a scheme that i admit at first i wasn't so sure about. outdoor speakers seemed like something only rich people have. and swimming pools. and sidewalk cafes in warm-weather states. and bars.

well, thanks to pgc (and his sometimes-frustrating array of hand-me-down stereos and speakers), our patio is now as cool as a bar. well, maybe cooler because we have fire.


the alternate title of this blog could be: awkward photos that paul will be unhappy i posted. yes, i totally made him pose with his ladder and drill.

while we're getting comfy on the porch, the animals are also assuming their own spring-time positions. can someone please tell franny that even though her litter box is in the sun, that it is not sanitary to sleep in there?

and gus's life basically consists of alternating 15-minute periods of frisbee/ball/running laps in the backyard and this flattering pose.

anyway, you're all invited to come sit on our hgtv-worthy porch with us. byob. we'll provide the tunes. and the lettuce, of course.

tuesdays with gussy. (funny face edition)

2011-04-12T15:00:00.005-04:00

wait for it...

a face only a mother could love. (and boy, does she.)

nothing but blue skies.

2011-04-11T22:05:00.009-04:00

and all of a sudden, everything is green again. tulips everywhere. the house is warm when we wake up in the morning and go to bed at night (without the aid of natural gas). getting out of the shower no longer requires a couple minutes of summoning the courage. the ceiling fans are spinning and i'm slowing reintroducing my bare legs to the world. i have to try pretty hard to remember what 22 inches of snow looked like. gus is out of breath all the time.

we canceled the cable and the back porch is once again our living room.

friday night we dragged the alarm clock radio out there to listen to npr jazz under the stars. after a few mild hours, the crazy kansas wind blew us inside to bed, which was timely; one more drink and i would have pledged next week's grocery money to save public radio (i still might and you should too).

yesterday, we spent a spectacularly beautiful afternoon at a small lake outside of town (and also found the ultimate camping spot: stay tuned) with a friend and some fishing poles, a couple of canoes and a few little girls (other people's kids are always fine by me!). caught a tan, but nothing for dinner. (i was craving mcdonalds anyway.)

spring has inspired us to start planning for summer. last saturday we scribbled out "the big one." an eight-day trip to take us through the old west (dodge city), into the mountains of new mexico (taos and santa fe), north to denver (i'll be in touch with dates, soon, heath!) and finally back home through the high plains of western kansas. all we need now is a dog sitter.

oh, sweet sunshine and warmth, what a difference you make.

stock photo of warm weather happiness.

tuesdays with gussy. (peanut butter edition)

2011-04-05T13:29:00.001-04:00

i know what you're thinking.

"man. it sure has been a long time since ashley posted a video of her awesome dog. i wish i had a dog that beautiful, and i'd really like to live vicariously through ashley. who is also very beautiful, come to think of it. she has great taste in music, too. sigh."

well, lament no more. and just try to have a bad day after watching (and listening) to gus eat a fingerful of jif.

dear sherwin williams: stop sending me coupons.

2011-04-03T15:15:00.002-04:00

remember this fiasco?

wide open spaces. courtesy of allied van lines.

and how it looked a little better with some furniture and a couple of animals?

gus and gitmo make purple look good.

well, we got used to it. the bedroom sort of became our cave, especially in the fall and early winter. but as the bitter cold and gray wore on, the room was just too much. it was sad and sleepy and reminded me of a sigur rós song. it had to go.

so in february, i stared at this for a few days straight:

remember?

i ultimately chose "ponder." it has made a world of difference. and as spring pulls into the station, we're digging our new room.

note: our good camera is in the camera-hospital.

don't judge my hospital tv. and please pray it never falls on one of the animals.

(celia: remember these world market porcelain knobs? totally worth the 20 bucks i begrudged myself.)

amazing what a little paint can do.

paris, part deux.

2011-03-27T20:24:00.003-04:00

on the thursday that we were in paris, my favorite british family came to see us via the eurostar. as paul and i trekked our way across the city to get the the gare du nord station, i felt nervous (and a little sick from too much wine, but that was just a typical morning in france for me, and really neither here nor there). i hadn't seen them since paul and i got married, nearly three years ago, and i wanted to make sure we showed them a good time in paris. i was happily prepared for long lines at the louvre or overcoming my acrophobia (as well as my fear of overpriced-elevator-rides) at the eiffel tower.

and then they got there. and i was instantly reminded how easy-going and just easy they are. not to mention charming and wonderful. seriously, i feel sorry for you that they're not in your family.

turns out, they're the paul-and-ashley brand of tourists. and so we walked. the day we spent with my family turned out to be one of our most productive days in paris. we started at le sacre-coeur...

...it is so beautiful sitting on that hill that you actually want to climb up to it. despite your out-of-shape legs. and your wine hangover (here nor there). so we dodged all the crazy people trying to sell us wooden trains and bits of string (there's more business being done on the steps of the sacre-couer than in the tiny kansas town we live in) and somehow made it to stand below and walk within this mammoth thing. (as a side note, my trip to paris really reignited my catholic pride. we have some problems (the whole creepy priest thing is an issue) but we know how to do churches, y'all.)

after all that exercise, we desperately need some empty calories that only a crepe filled with nutella could provide. yum. we then crossed the city by foot and metro to conduct some good ol' fashioned family photoshoots, complete with "cheese!"s and accosting strangers with the camera and a smiley "do you mind?" no shame, folks.

then it was off to invalides, a military hospital turned museum. the nerd of the family (hey, andrew!) wanted to tour the whole thing (even though he'd been through it before!) but the rest of us dummies really just wanted to see napoleon's tomb and skip the whole coats of armor thing. and we weren't afraid to admit it. so we paid admission, saw old bonaparte, and sat in the cafeteria waiting for the more cultured members of our group to finish their tour.

we walked some more. ate a classic parisian lunch (nothing screams bon appetit! like cheeseburgers, am i right?). walked some more (right by the louvre and to the champ-elysees). and then settled in for what the stimpsons do best: imbibe. in a sweet, small cafe where we could really catch up.

all too soon, it was time for goodbyes. but not before some train stations photos, ordered by yours truly!

uncle phil and aunt shirley.


(two of the best) cousins andy and jim.

i'm not sure i've ever been more tired. or slept harder. we let ourselves sleep until 10 on friday morning. i woke up in a panic that i had missed the hotel breakfast (read: coffee) so i jumped straight out of bed...and fell right back into it. my legs said "no mas." (that's spanish for however you say "no more" in french.)

the last few days in paris were a blur. between the time-change sleeplessness and the walking (did i mention the walking?), we were exausted. we focused a lot on food at the end, eating five or six meals a day just to try everything once. we spent some time apart, so that i could browse the shops and paul could saunter the city with his ipod.

and then we came back to kansas. two weeks later, we're still waiting for consistent warm weather and getting through the second half of paul's semester. lots of things are happening and changing and one day soon, i will write about them.

right now, it's gray outside and snowing a little, i'm digging a teen-mom marathon (no, jenelle, no!) and throwing back some chocolate cookies. gus is farting and the cats are giving him dirty looks.

we're certainly not in paris anymore.

it feels like years since it's been here. (paris, part un)

2011-03-20T14:08:00.006-04:00

no disrespect to mr. eliot, but in the midwest march is the cruelest month. today you're rocking some sockless mary janes, and tomorrow you're tearfully scraping ice from the car. little flashbulbs of green explode in each reawakening tree and then are ripped away with the next prairie squall. it's rough.

well, little darlin', here comes the sun. today, the first official day of spring, the temps are predicted to hit 80 and the cats are clamoring for each open window. we're all ecstatic as the long season retreats. a dismal success of a winter, for sure.

we saw what we hope was the last of the snow on monday morning. which, as you can imagine, was uber-depressing for two people who just returned from the most beautiful city in the world.

paris! paris was a dream. you'd laugh if i described it the way i want to, the way it felt. an uptight american having that cliche european experience. revelations and renaissance. so, i'll leave that to hemingway.

speaking of revelations. the coffee, oh my goodness, the coffee. i'm currently gulping flavorless mug after mug of maxwell house, doing it more for the habit than the pleasure. but in paris, those 3 ounces were quite literally the highlight of my day. even the hotel coffee was seventeen times better than what i'm drinking now. i also sort of fell in love with sugar cubes.

it wasn't as if the hotel was a dive, though. our window looked out onto the south side of the city, long rectangles of parisian apartments seemingly stacked up to the horizon (we learned how much they cost to rent, just in case a very, very rich long-lost relative leaves us millions of dollars). the other side faced the stately eiffel tower, just across the street.

i was so much more enamored with the tower than i expected to be. it is massive and a little ugly, but it's symmetry is staggering, and the force of its cache is just inescapable. virtually everyone knows the image of the tower, so sitting under it is like communing with a billion people you've never met. those were my favorite moments in paris: sitting in its shadow on a spread-out coat, drinking cheap wine from the bottle, and looking around at the dozens around us who were doing the same, necks bent to admire the old thing.

when we weren't sitting and drinking, we were walking. walking and walking and walking. paul and i make good travel companions, because neither of like to commit. during our first visit to a city, we rarely wander into tours or museums; we'd rather keep moving to see all the little things you just can't find in the louvre.

and oh, the little things we found. the best metro lines for peering into posh apartments at dusk. dog parks teeming with, i must say, the politest off-leash pups i've encountered. street food i wouldn't trade for the fanciest french bistro. the bars with the cheapest pints and most entertaining bands (neil young done with a french accent is way weird, we learned). we tucked ourselves into the streaming hordes of students near the sorbonne and the window shoppers of the champs-elysees.

we were terrible with the language. that was the worst part. not being able to communicate. to be funny or gracious or sarcastic. to ask for a tuna sandwich. a few times, in all my confusion and fluster, my high school spanish strangely surfaced, instead of my phrasebook french. so we got better with body language, apologized profusely. i just smiled like an idiot and nodded no matter what.

************************
i'm pretty sure gus is going to lose his little dog mind if we don't go play ball in the sunshine, like, now.

to be continued.

right down your alley.

2011-02-28T21:14:00.007-05:00

maybe they have residential alleys in the south, i never saw them. not like these, anyway. they are one of my very favorite parts of living in our neighborhood. little lawless, personal roads. i love them.

unfortunately, since we live on a main road, we don't have one. it took me a long time to work up the nerve to walk down the alleys, because i feel like they really belong to the lucky people who park there.

but then a couple weeks ago, gus led me down the alley between ninth and tenth, trailing a squirrel. now we do it everyday, peeking into junked-up garages and petting chained-up dogs. generally looking like a bunch weirdos.

the closest to our house. people with alleys have tons of trashcans. why not?

further north on the same alley. some garages face the road, some sit perpendicular.

this is near the high school, where the houses are pretty rough. the brick building in the far left corner is one of the prettiest in the neighborhood and being used as a church-affiliated after school hangout.

can you see that handsome fella? gus and i are hatching plans to break him out and take him home.

my favorite alley in town. obviously downtown. pretty big-city gritty for a sweet, small town.

separation anxiety.

2011-02-24T10:57:00.006-05:00

i am impressed by his determination. (he got that from me.) the neurosis behind it (which he surely inherited from his father) is slightly heartbreaking.

after 8 successful months of crating, gus is rebelling. who can blame him? he gets to be around for all the boring stuff--the channel-flipping, the dishwasher-filling--and as soon as it's time to head out into that great, big, mysterious and wonderful world, full of bones and squirrels, we put him into this thing.

notice goo's handy work on the front of both sides. teeth be damned.

so, we're working on that. with a lot of repetition and a ton of peanut butter.

as far as my own separation anxiety, i felt a twinge of it last week as i stuffed a suitcase for a trip south. the afternoon before my flight, i stood hunched over the kitchen counter, drawing up lists that, if amassed, would produce a sure-thing manuscript for a book entitled how to keep your dog alive for 72 hours. (call me, knopf.) they said things like "feed him breakfast in the morning," and "make sure he is pooping."

(for the record, i should have been more specific. i meant to feed him dog food, not chicken burritos from taco bell.)

and then i flew to the (bermuda) triangle (for yuppies), north carolina, to shower (read: drink champagne) my oldest friend and her newest addition.

it was so good for me. the non-stop baby talk (read: drinking champagne and nodding), the early-spring southern breeze, the trips to big-box retail outlets (if only to see what you city kids are donning these days). i can't say i was super helpful in preparing the mother-to-be for the Ultimate Responsibility, though i imagine she felt pretty ready after remembering what not ready looks like.

see? mature.

i did tear the plastic off the stroller set-up instructions, but got bored with it and never read them. sorry, lex.

i'm pretty sure you are required by law to take pictures like this at a baby shower.

i left alexis early, early sunday morning. i said goodbye to her and the in-case-of-a-water-landing-this-stomach-can-be-used-as-a-flotation-device baby bump, realizing the next time i saw it, it would be a person. (not just any person, but a person that lex would love more than she loves me. hrmph.) feeling like the world is too big and our places in it are too small and spread out like the stars.

feeling like gus probably does when i put him in his crate--we're together and bam! we're not. what cruelty.

it was probably just all the champagne.

anyway, after a tray-table nap so intense i somehow ended up with mascara on my ear (really), i landed in kansas city, where thankfully it was just as springy as dixie. i drove south through the kansas countryside, windows down to let the warm air in and a little john prine out, happily anticipating my return to a place that i'm slowly getting used to. longing to see the dude and the dog and the three little felines i love. and dreaming about a peanut butter sandwich.

the big thaw.

2011-02-15T10:26:00.002-05:00

when the first of february's 29 inches of snow began to fell, paul was pretty psyched. "makes you feel like you're really living, you know?" he said, "like you're accomplishing something, just by getting out there, just by braving the elements."

that lasted all of two days.

since then, we've both been pretty miserable, waiting ever so impatiently for the grass to reappear and the temperature to get above frostbite degrees.

dogs are not immune to SAD, y'all.

and then...sunday!

miracles happen, folks.

we were like kids on the first day of school, afraid we'd miss the awesome weather bus. we scooped up a bunch of cds, some breakfast, and the monster we call gus and hit the road for the nearest state park.

we might have jumped the gun a bit. there was still too much snow to actually navigate the trails, so we just kind of walked around on the road.

notice the lack of mittens/scarves/frowns.

which was still really fun.

not quite beach weather. but we'll be back.

we then ate every calorie we so much as thought about burning by picking up a whole mess of chinese food in pittsburg.

oh you know, just another spring weekend in kansas.

six to eight.

2011-02-09T15:48:00.002-05:00

let me tell you about the best part of my day (so far, to be fair).

it was watching gus lose his frisbee in the fresh six-to-eight the sky so generously bestowed upon us last night. lose it and not be able to find it. he just kept shoving his head in the snow and coming back up empty-mouthed and disappointed. i probably could have found it, but that would've ruined the spectacle.

i watched the news at noon today (perfect come-down after tosh) and a man in a shiny purple shirt told me to be careful, people can't get out of their homes, get depressed, sleep a lot forget to take showers eat 700 chocolate chip cookies lose all sense of purpose.

i raised my hand and said loudly enough for ol' purple shirt to hear: "i will write this stuff for half of what you're paying now."

winter is haaaaard, y'all. so hard.

a month from now we'll be in paris, where i hear that it is cold in march. but i also hear it is a tad more interesting than southeast kansas. i will let you know.

my favorite part of midwestern winter. well, the midwest in general.

notes on a blizzard

2011-02-03T20:50:00.008-05:00

i don't exercise, really, ever. it's just one of those things that as i have gotten older, i've decided is just not for me. like owning a ferret or scuba diving. i do enjoy inadvertent exercise. things like walking gus or lifting giant mugs of mexican beer. but purposeful, planned exercise? meh.

so this feeling that every muscle in my body is on fire is rather unfamiliar. shoveling a 30-yard driveway covered in 3-foot snow drifts with a garden spade...


this is not a snow shovel.

was proably the hardest thing i've ever done, save for sitting through an entire performance by the band JET (they were the opening act).

content to sit around and enjoy his day off school, paul (who is a born-southerner and ignorant to the seriousness of snow removal) was pretty annoyed at my insistence that we carve out an escape route. but i am my father's (who would have started shoveling before it stopped snowing) daughter, and i woke up yesterday with the conviction that i would get us out of here before lunch. i don't like to be trapped.

and indeed, we were perusing the cereal aisle by noon. aaaand the bengay aisle by 12:01.

considering what happened on tuesday, i'm pretty impressed that we were able to get out so soon. there was a half-foot on the ground by the time i ate second-breakfast (what? i love breakfast.) and it was nearly impossible to get out of the back door when dr. phil came on. it was a midwestern miracle.

i know, my hat doesn't fit.

it was crazy. we holed up for most of the day in the basement (aka the only room we can currently afford to heat) and whiled away our captivity by watching such classics as ghostbusters and deliverance (because nothing says snow day! like man rape, am i right?).

gussy was not feeling the blizzard thing. our big guy is used to one long walk and one frisbee excursion a day, so a couple of trips outside to pee and gawk at the white stuff was just not cutting it. there was one very sweet moment, however, when he sort of lost his mind and started catching snowflakes in his mouth. i swear i had little frozen tears in my eyes, it was so adorable. lucky for you, i caught it on video.

shades of gray.

2011-01-24T15:42:00.005-05:00

ponder? destiny? minute mauve? fashionable gray? mystical shade? veiled violet?
they should make one called 'argh.'

the view from here. i know, my kitchen is basically a scenic overlook.

and a song i thought was pretteee, pretteee, pretteee deep when i was thirteen.

of parties and pitas.

2011-01-23T22:03:00.006-05:00

well.

don't worry, you haven't missed anything.

except, of course, for the pity party of the century. actually, it was more like a pity rave. (just without all the drugs, dancing, and general euphoria and instead, lots of HGTV, dirty hair, and charlie brown-style moping.) you should have been there.

the festivities kicked off when we returned home to cold, gray, lonely kansas from our whirlwind tour of the eastern united states...

in which there was a lot of this....

and one unfortunate night of this. a blizzard-related stay in an animal-friendly (thank jesus) motel 6.

...and really didn't end until yesterday when i decided that, as fun as it was, the party had to end. that it had gone on way too long, and that the things i had been sad about (our so far-away friends and family, the weather, my career, our budget, dry and itchy skin) were all fixable or at least bearable. or just stupid things to worry about.

so we drove south to joplin and ate mediterranean food. and now i feel so much better. oh, the healing powers of spanakopita. (mythos, if you're ever in the area.)

(it was one of those nice places, too, where they write the contents on your to-go box, so you don't get it confused with the all the other fancy doggy bags parked in your fridge. i wanted to tell the waiter that there was little chance i would confuse these leftovers with friday's taco bell.)

afterward, we had to come home, of course. the sun was still stifled behind those persistent clouds and the snow was still brown and ugly and clearly hanging around just to ruin my life.

and though one of my new years resolutions was to live in the now, as they say, i decided that that is just too tall an order, (seriously, have you ever tried that? all that worrying about not worrying about the future? it's exhausting.), and that it was okay to start counting down spring's arrival.

like a fun game you can play with yourself!

by the time this milk goes rotten, january will be over!

by the time i write another check to the sanitation people, it will be march!

by the time this magazine responds to my query, it will be time for our kids to start high school!

by the time we get back from paris, it will practically be spring!

(yes, we're going to paris. and i've still managed to hold on to this 'tude. i told you it was the pity party of the century, y'all.)

and so on and so on.

i was also inspired by someone who is open to happiness all the time, even though it's cold, even though he's not the richest dude in the world, and despite the fact that he has beady eyes that sit a little too far apart on his head.

no, not paul.


gus's very subtle way of letting me know that he did not ask to go out because he had to pee. and that it is, in fact, not too cold to play frisbee.

so, happy new years! 24 days later. i hope your party was way better than mine.

christmas break.

2010-12-22T17:52:00.004-05:00

TMOE will be closed for the next few weeks so that we can enjoy the end of this lovely year with family and old friends and beloved animals. and sleep a lot. and drink white russians.

happy holidays from kansas! see you in the new year!

far from the madding crowd.

2010-12-14T13:12:00.005-05:00

there are certainly things i miss about living in a bigger city. mediterranean food. trash pick-up. hipsters.

but, december in a small town just can't be beat. first of all, there's no mall traffic to deal with. well, there's no mall either, but that's not a tragedy. there's also no interstate to be bottled up by SUV's and minivans on their way to somewhere else. the daily paper does not arrive looking like george costanza's wallet, full of ads for annoying toys and ugly sweaters.

it's kind of hard to tell that it's christmas around here, actually. save for the bitter cold, which makes you wonder what the good people of kansas ever did to deserve such a climate. and the sweet and modest decorations downtown, of which i have taken some blurry photos for your enjoyment.

taking pictures in the dark is hard. anyway, i also took a picture of the house, so that you could see the wreath i put on the door (martha stewart, over here!) and also, what a nice job the previous owners did of installing flood lights to make the house look très fancy at night. merry christmas, previous owners!

oh, and one more. because it's adorable and you know you love sweet chesapeake.

the most important meal of the day.

2010-12-09T15:38:00.003-05:00

we've all be on the outs with franny this week. (except for chessie, but we know what he's getting out of the deal. ahem.)

stock photo of the happy couple.

our hefty little lady has been quite the bruiser, lately. she tore up my hands a couple days before she did the same to paul. i'm talking neosporin, bandaids, the whole first aid kit. i was trying to gently remove her from the counter (you know, where we prepare all of the food that we eat?) and paul was just trying to be sweet.

then, yesterday, with one hell of a right hook, she gave gus the bloodiest nose that i imagine a seventy-pound dog has ever received from a twelve-pound cat. he was beside himself.

he's been on her trail ever since. watching, waiting for his chance for revenge. because i have little that resembles a life, i've been following, too. and i caught this from the breakfast table this morning. even under the tightest surveillance, franny still gets her eat on.

girl after my own heart.

out in the cold.

2010-12-02T21:07:00.014-05:00

it's terribly boring to read about, i know. but i'm finding myself obsessed with winter weather and all the little revelations that have come with it.

the last time i experienced cold like this was 2003, my last year in ohio. i was eighteen then, pretty mopey and very angsty, too busy scribbling radiohead lyrics and tennyson poems in my chemistry notebook to notice the weather (though i'm sure i rolled my eyes or even cried about it at least once). then i moved to south carolina, where weather is a non-issue. you probably shouldn't wear flip-flops every day, but you wouldn't lose an extremity if you did. the weather channel is made available solely for napping purposes.

now i'm twenty-six and living in kansas. still pretty angsty, but mostly bored. and so seeing, for the first time, all of the tragic wonder that is the onslaught of winter.

like yesterday, i was scooping up gus's poop from the backyard, a chore i'd neglected for weeks. and all of his little nuggets were completely crystallized and stuck to the grass. like ice cubes for your worst enemy. i just wandered around the yard in my pajamas, looking for more poop cubes. i wanted to find all of them--no two shaped alike.

i've also started noticing every magazine ad and commercial in which people are having picnics, staring into their lover's eyes, or just gazing skyward (thanking jesus for fabric softener, of course) in some flowery field in the middle of june. sun shining and green grass singing. i just stare at it and wish there was some way to gain access to this summery world. i promise myself that i will never take another summer day for granted, never complain in august about how i miss wearing sweaters.

by the way, it's been cold for 3 weeks.

speaking of sweaters, our southern wardrobes are seriously inadequate. unfortunately, gus suffers from an over-production of enthusiasm, so i have to be outside at least twice a day to alleviate him. a couple days ago, as i was layering every piece of swaddling clothes i could find to prepare for our outside time, i realized the only gloves i own are fingerless (damn you, urban outfitters and your hobo-chic accessories). my fingernails felt like broken glass by the time we got home. gus didn't seem to notice.

oh, and fifty degrees has started to feel downright tropical. when this happens, i have to remind myself of my mother's '60 degree rule' that she enforced when i would try to wear shorts in early march. that, and how folks in town probably don't want to check out my chalky (and admittedly less-than-silky) gams. though, you wouldn't believe the things i've seen at the walmart. i wouldn't even rank.

all of this and it's not even officially winter, yet. i'm pretty sure i'm going to lose my mind by january.

so i'm trying to keep the serotonin flowing. planning roadtrips and watching lots of reality television (hoarders in particular makes me feel a lot better about my life). and being basement-rats with these two handsome men:

because no blog is complete without a shot of gussy.

as a very wise man (or some punk kid that used to cook at a diner my best friend waitressed at in college) once said: "it's not cold if you just like it." indeed.

i think.

thanks a lot.

2010-11-27T18:19:00.001-05:00

the last few days have been so lazy that it's a strain just to move my fingers over the keys on this thing. i've probably burned seven calories during this long weekend, and three of those were an accident (i turned over on the couch too fast).

staying home for thanksgiving was the best idea we've had in a while. sure, we missed our families. but our own family, in which the non-furry members are outnumbered 2-1, is sort of the jam.

we wore sweatpants (shut up.), watched a million episodes of seinfeld, and moved at our own pace on making the meal, which was admittedly slow.

see, our new and dear friends, who do not judge us because we drink cheap beer but instead bring more cheap beer, so that we can all slum it together, came over wednesday to give thanks for what might be the last warm day for the next three months.

so i woke up thursday morning a wee low on holiday enthusiasm. the thought of roasting a turkey and putting together a bunch of creamy, cheesy sides felt daunting and honestly, a little gross.

but then, all the sweet boys in my life (for whom i am very thankful) worked together to make me feel better. gitmo perched on the arm of the couch above me and gus wiggled into the perfect spooning position. paul came down with gatorade and scrambled eggs. after an hour-long nap set to the tedious-but-kind-of-charming drillbit taylor, i was good as new. it was a christmas miracle. (call me, hallmark channel.)

i probably should have taken the picture before we carved and ate it. it was very pretty, trust me.

gus fell in love this week. with turkey.

and gitmo rekindled an old flame.

the pie was also a success, though paul wussed out and didn't eat dessert.

and then we all did a lot of this. it was a beautiful day.

happy thanksgiving from kansas!

catnip is a gateway drug.

2010-11-19T14:33:00.006-05:00

on monday, i took gitmo to the vet to discuss his recent proclivity for peeing everywhere and anywhere, as long as that place is in no way associated with the litterbox. really, i was hoping that maybe the terror of the car ride, followed by a stern talking-to from the doctor would just snap him out of it.

instead, the vet just cooed at him and asked me all the tough questions. what are you doing that's stressing him out? are you spending enough time with him? do you bring him home a to-go meal when you eat at nice restaurants?

long story short, i'm now shoving anti-depressants down the cat's throat twice a day. little punk puppydog-eyed himself a script for some pretty blue pills.

he's been all zen and mellow this week. he's moving slower and sleeping longer and singing peter, paul, and mary songs. basically living the life. i've promised myself eighty-seven times that i will not cadge his meds. but i might.

other than that, this week has been pretty standard. on wednesday, we put on our fancy pants to dine at the country club (our very elegant friends are members) and last night, shot pool at the american legion, where pants aren't even required.

it's no manhattan, but i dig these "cultural experiences."

this weekend, we're heading down to the big city of pittsburg, where rumor has it the chinese buffet includes sushi. we're also going to find a turkey that i can ~~ruin~~ roast for thanksgiving. this year, we're staying in kansas to celebrate and give thanks for our new home, new friends, and of course, our defiant and drugged-addled animals.

he's not on anything. except maybe sweet angel pills.

i keep the home fires burning.

2010-11-12T17:22:00.004-05:00

by the time sweet gussy is ready for bed at night, you can tell. the skin around his nose and eyes is pink like bubble gum and his black lips hang like little flags of surrender. don't get him wrong, if you want to throw the ball some more, that would be great. but a couch will do just fine.

this week, he's been pretty pink, as he is the self-appointed sheriff around here. this position basically entails a lot of running around the house, making sure that each resident is too occupied to be kissed or farted upon. they usually are, so he trots to the next person. and on and on like that. more people=more laps. it's a cruel world.

we have also been getting pretty pink, metaphorically speaking, too. last night we drove up the the great city of kansas to indulge in a meal of smoked and sauced meats. seriously, so much meat. everyone around here has their opinions, and mine is that arthur bryant's is where you go when you die. of course, i forgot my camera, so here is a photo of complete (but friendly-looking) strangers in front of the restaurant that i stole from google images.

friends 4eva, y'all.

we've been flea-marketing and pie-eating (blueberry and pumpkin, what's up?) and laying around--which really takes it out of you, you know.

the weather has also become very midwestern-y again. lots of gray, a little drizzle.

sometimes to rile up my mother, i tell her that i don't remember ever seeing the sun growing up in ohio. and that it was not until i moved south did i experience warmth and light and happiness and music. my mom is pro-midwest like most people are pro-rainbows and this infuriates her. (also, i think she has a bit of an inferiority complex about the south, like most ohians.)

so, she will be happy to know that i've actually been enjoying this round of fall weather, because it reminds me of being young and wearing corduroy.

speaking of my darling midwestern parents, my dad has pneumonia. (which i think is totally badass. i've never had anything as hardcore as pneumonia.) anyway, he's having a tough time and i feel very sorry for him. so, while you're praying for south carolina to somehow pull it off against florida tomorrow, can you pray for him, too? thanks.

now if you'll excuse me, i haven't eaten a piece of pie in nearly 20 minutes and i think i hear the sheriff coming this way. there's probably a very pink snout in need of kiss.

tour de...our house

2010-11-10T16:06:00.001-05:00

i've debated all morning about actually posting these videos because a) oh-my-gosh-my-annoying-voice and my apparent inability to speak more than 12 words per minute and b) it just feels a little lame (i think it would be cooler if i had a cohost).

but i'm going to anyway because a) i know my mother (and celia) will enjoy it, b) it's super sweet how gussy tries to get in every shot and also wants to show you just how he gets in his bed, and c) writer's block, bitches. this is all i got.

part one.

part deux.

sorry for the abrupt ending. the UPS man showed up with our new and improved television. gus was not pleased by his arrival.

p.s. god totally reads my blog. it was 75 degrees yesterday. thank ya jesus!

pushing through.

2010-11-08T22:48:00.004-05:00

lately, i've had such bad writer's block that it's been hard to just make out a to-do list. i'm nearing the end of a giant project and i think i've blown a few fuses, or something. plus, it's gotten cold here and my deep-fried, southern brain is like a dying car. it turns over and over and over but never catches.

i'm all bad metaphors and crappy jokes. and none of it makes much sense.

like the professional writer i am, i consulted a reputable source on how to get through this trying time...although yahoo!answers is split on how to break though the dreaded block, i'd say the most popular remedy is to write (some say to take a break, but who has the patience?). and write. just word by word and eventually you forget about the block like you forget about the hiccups. so here goes.

like i said, some time last week it got cold. For Real Cold, and not that wimpy southern cold i'd grown used to. no more open windows and no more afternoons on the porch with gus.

well, my mental health is a very fragile thing. like that friend you have that can't handle it when you say anything about her boyfriend--even if it's just something innocuous, like how his shirt doesn't match his tie. my psyche is like that girl. and last week when the weather turned, she was all sulking and kicking rocks down the sidewalk.

for the most part, the house is pretty well insulated for how old it is (110 years), but the mornings are so cold that a little bit of me would rather die than get out of bed. gus, who apparently never thinks of the temperature or of dying or even how i might like to stay in bed longer, just bounds out of the room at 7a.m., ready to poop or eat some cat food. you know, whichever.

it was even cold on my birthday, which i thought was cruel and unusual. it was a good birthday, regardless, because i heard from so many great people and ordered fajitas at the mexican restaurant, which i never do.

in all my birthday selfishness, i forgot to mention that it was also frannie's 1st birthday last week.

stock photo of little francakes-and-sausage.

i gave everybody some tuna, but i let the birthday girl eat hers on the counter. happy birthday franflakes!

today, a few good things happened. our tv came back from new jersey, good as new. it felt like a beloved family member had come home. then, some actual family came to visit. paul's parents are spending the week with us. i plan on showing them all the fun and excitement that southeast kansas has to offer. which should take about two hours.

phew. i feel a little better. not sure if it was the writing or the therapeutic rhythm of gussy's alternate farting and snoring. fart snore fart snore fartfart snore. it's like my own personal sound machine.

i try, but i can't complain.

power, light, hometown teams, and turning twenty-six.

2010-11-01T15:37:00.004-04:00

tomorrow is my birthday and the only thing i want is for vincent sheheen to win the south carolina gubernatorial race. failing that, i guess i would take a nice dinner out and one of those big bottles of fat tire.

we got back from kansas city last night just in time for trick-or-treaters. it was good to be somewhere crowded and a little dirty for a while, good to see big buildings and rip-off parking garages. we stayed at the aladdin...

...an art-deco hotel, where they give you glass of champagne upon check-in (!!!)...

...around the corner from the power and light district, which is sort of a manufactured town center with about four thousand and eighty-two places to eat and drink. there's a nifty stage in the center, and above that, a big screen for football-watchin' on saturdays and sundays.

i think we managed to eat or drink at nearly every p&l establishment. it was a frantic money-spending experience. we even bowled a game at the lucky strike.

paul ordered a white russian, in honor of the dude, and neither of us broke 100.

because the hotel was so nice and we are so lame, we were in bed by 10, asleep a few minutes later. shut up. we had a big day on sunday. namely, eating overpriced stadium food and rooting on our adopted hometown team.

i had a lot of fun. and i tried really hard to care whether or not the chiefs won, because everyone around me cared so much. but, i just don't yet. the ketchup and mustard color combo is going to take a while for me to overcome.

like i said, tomorrow begins the downward slide into thirty. being on the other side of 25 makes me feel like i should start doing something important. when i say that to people who are older than me, they laugh. which is comforting, because, if i had to guess, it'll probably be another year of road trips and white russians.

border patrol (for meeghan).

2010-10-28T12:44:00.005-04:00

a long time ago, over mimosas on the old gladden street porch, i fretted aloud to a close friend about the probable lack of watering holes in my future hometown. not that it was the most pressing of my concerns (i thought about the house and the job and the animals sometimes, too), but certainly one of them. "don't even worry," this wise friend said, "you're going to be near the state line. there are always [beer joints] on the state line."

she was right, bless her.

so, you're heading east from fort scott, kansas to nevada, missouri. about one mile into the show-me state, you come around and over a hill (which is a very beautiful, grassy hill with a cabin on top that sometimes you dream about living in) and suddenly you see this little harbinger of joy:

and you slow down because the sign says "coors" and who doesn't want a coors? and you look to your left and you find...the requisite state line beer joint.

although the prius in the parking lot sort of ruins the griminess of it all, no?

oh, and if you look a little further down the way, you'll find the obligatory state line liquor store, which looks just like a state line liquor store should.

so you go inside and you order a coors (okay, a miller lite) and fried chicken and suzie-q's and onion rings. while you wait for your food, you notice the homemade curtains, the old juke box, the paneling that lines everything. and you feel very warm and at-home.

the food arrives and it's probably the best bar food ever.

note the ash tray. your Fascist Liberal Agenda has not made it this far inland, yet.

and you are happy.

but still pretty strange, all things considered.

**a special thanks to everyone i forced into going to t-blazer last night. y'all are the best.

things fall apart.

2010-10-25T16:52:00.005-04:00

i was surprisingly upset on friday when my beloved hand-me-down dirt devil gave up the ghost. vacuuming is therapy for me. sucking up cat hair makes me feel pretty good about life.

plus, we have this issue going on with the water. seems this old house has a leak. our bills have been outrageous. paul, in a strange effort to relive his glory days with the city of aiken public works department, decided to dig up the water main himself.

bob villa, everybody.

i won't bore you with the plumbing specifics. basically--even though the trench is fantastic (really fantastic, honey)--the actual problem is worse than we thought. so, no dyson for me.

regardless, our spirits were high. we kept reminding each other that "this is just homeowner stuff," with stupid, naive smiles on our faces, forgetting the rule of the universe: bad things happen in 17's.

ahem. yesterday, the television broke. our two-year-old, samsung flat-screen just refused to turn on. i don't care what you think about me, i lurve some television. specifically, that television.

tomorrow it will begin its journey to new jersey, to undergo corrective surgery. god speed, old friend.

there are a few things around here that aren't broken, yet. my dad was here this weekend and helped me get a lot of work done. we painted the downstairs bathroom, my "office" (i would call it a "workspace" but i feel like that's a real yuppie thing to say), and the second guest bedroom.

(some of you have sent me very sweet messages to tell me you enjoy when i post pictures of the house and how i've been decorating it. i hope that wasn't some sort of sarcastic joke that went over my head...)

it's still just a bathroom. but now it's blue, which pleases me.

now i can be all like, "step into my office."

similarly, this black leather chair makes me feel very important.

this is where i will write my masterpiece(s)...you know, as soon as i get a desk chair.

if we ever have more than one guest at a time, the second will get to sleep in this subtle, gray bedroom...

...but on my sewing table as we cannot afford a bed right now (see above).

last weekend i trekked up to overland ~~barf~~ park for my triumphant return to hobby lobby (love the lobby, yo.). i had a few very special things that i needed framed:

this is my little collage/homage to the dayton flood of 1913. there is a picture of horses swimming down ludlow street (that you can't see because i don't know how to take a decent photo).

i'm not one to hog hometown wall space. one of p's birthday presents. cola town from finlay park.

in context. (i can't that stupid lamp timer to work, by the way. help!)

celia--you'll remember the blustery spring day i purchased that hank williams print.

what a terrible picture of a beautiful painting. this was given to us in columbia by an old acquaintance, who was upset to hear we were moving. he ran out to his car and brought back this. already framed, by the way. i miss columbia sometimes.

next to syd's painting are vintage postcards of california. here are some more. i'm obsessed with floating frames right now.

i got these old plates the flea market for a dollar. my favorite is the florida plate, because it makes me think of the road trip meeghan and i went on last summer. the san juan capistrano plate is pretty cool, too.

so it's coming together, despite all of the malfunction.

for now, i'm going to go stare into the empty spot where the tv used to be and share some wheat-thins with gus, thankful that the important things are still in one piece.

bird by bird, indeed.

2010-10-19T14:24:00.010-04:00

paul brought home a stray dog on sunday night. he was a sweet and wiry jack russell with big eyes and little apple-turnover ears. i liked him alright and made a bed of blankets on the porch for him. he liked us, too, but barked like a serial killer when he saw the cats through the kitchen windows. red flag, pupster.

by monday morning i had the depressed feeling that i figure mothers get when their second child is born. like, "everything was fine until you showed up. even though you are pretty cute."

(i bet no mom in the history of momhood has ever thought that. and i'm already thinking it. yeesh.)

luckily, we found his real family, and took him home. i now have a brand new love for our perfect collection of animals that will last at least until one of them pees on the rug (i.e. tomorrow).

though i am tied up right now with a rather large writing project, i don't have anything lined up for when it's done. (the only things i've been lining up lately are empty bottles. har har.) see, i'm not sure how to do that. every assignment i've had has fallen into my lap like a gift from baby jesus himself. most days, i can convince myself by 11 a.m. that i'll never make it as a Real Writer and that the success i've had so far has been a total fluke. like when carolina beat alabama. or when kenny chesney got married.

i also feel like there's no getting out from under this wave of domestic demands and chores (i'm a homeowner now, ya know). generally though, i happily choose them over writing because a) i like a relatively clean and well-stocked home and b) it's easier than trying to be creative. i'm sorry, betty friedan.

blah blah blah self-doubt blah blah.

oh, and while i have you, the other thing that has been irking me is that lately my pandora station, which i have honed to near-perfection over the past year, has started to play things like vince gill and martina mcbride. argh. i spend so much time at this damn computer, is it too much to ask for it to know and understand everything about me?

er, anyway. this has become a mess of negativity. let me salvage it by throwing in a little of THIS:

my secret weapon for instant happiness.

i feel so much better now. and lest you think i've changed my name to deborah d. downer, here are some more awesome things:

my dad is coming on thursday to help me finish painting this beast of a house. i will not be happy until every inch of eggshell is gone.

our very sweet neighbors took us out to a very delicious dinner last night in pittsburg. i ate about seven pounds of beef tips and happily spent the rest of the night in a warm and cozy beef coma (do not resuscitate, in case you're ever asked).

we're going to spend next weekend in kansas city. as a retail-deprived person, all i can think about is shopping. though i will probably force myself into a museum, too. as long as there's a gift shop.

(officially) our little house on the prairie.

2010-10-14T13:50:00.003-04:00

who has two thumbs, isn't responsible enough to throw out rotten milk yet somehow owns a house? this girl!

i stole this photo off the internet. the grass doesn't look like this anymore (who can keep up?), but the house is more or less the same.

we signed all the papers on tuesday night, none of which i understood. though i think the gist of it was: your soul is now the property of GMAC, home services division.

we celebrated like most adults would: rolling rock and pizza hut. deep dish, since it was a special occasion, you know.

hair! and other victories.

2010-10-12T15:09:00.008-04:00

after.

before

my hair was getting long. like, people in the wal-mart were wondering if i was a wiccan priestess. that kind of long. (see left) but, being cheap and lazy, i just couldn't seem to get around to cutting it. this weekend in ohio, i finally had the time and motivation (i.e. seeing people i see once every 3 years). so, i pranced on down to the local fiesta and told my stylist du jour to have her way with my locks. check it out, folks. i'm like a whole new lady. just 17 bucks poorer. and a little embarrassed about taking and posting these kinds of pictures. demi moore does it. so...yeah.

other good things happened in ohio, despite the very sad reason for us being there. like the aforementioned reunions with wonderful people i never see. tons of good dayton food. also, the gamecocks beat alabama. which was super cool. cooler yet, i think stephen garcia has finally nailed down a good hairdo. sort of a johnny-depp-behind-the-ears-but-not-really deal. i'm a fan.

now we're back in small-town america with a big white dog and loads of catching up to do. obviously, this very serious blog was my first priority.

fear and loathing in my office.

2010-10-06T16:26:00.006-04:00

thank you all so much for the kind and comforting words this week. they really meant a lot.

before i head home tomorrow, i decided i should try to get some work finished. (because come this weekend, it's cassano's and reds games for me.) of course, writing in this barnyard of mine is much easier said than done. this morning, i actually had my camera nearby to record the mayhem for you.

turn up your volume, so you can hear how much chessie and frannie sound like revving motorcycles. (oh, and how innocent is sweet gussy?) (p.s. the office is the only room we haven't unpacked. because who gets excited to see old binders?)

luckily, the cats eventually tire of being such assholes and gus, well, he just gets tired. enter gitmo, who likes to avoid the drama (he'd rather passive-aggressively pee somewhere he knows he's not supposed to), and this is how it ends:

clearly, i never need to have children.

so it goes, so it goes.

2010-10-04T16:20:00.015-04:00

when we used to travel, paul and i took the back roads. and we would pass through towns like this one. with perfect little houses and closed-up video stores and arbitrary historical landmarks. we would wonder together and talk about what it would be like to live in that place.

i think about those conversations a lot, especially when i walk gus around the neighborhood, marveling that of all the tiny, tiny places in this big, big world, this is the one that we ended up in. and how everything must be completely fated or absolutely random and does it even matter which.

back on the ground, i think we're adapting well to life in a small town. i'm having fun watching paul learn about autumn, a season he never experienced in the deep south. each day he seems more amazed at the sunny, seventy-degree weather and keeps asking me, "is this normal?" it's adorable.

i find myself totally unprepared for sweater weather. most of mine are covered in gitmo-fur, anyway, from months on the shelf. my beloved frye boots are in some serious need of repairs and going sockless will not be an option soon. i should probably just get new ones, but when i think of all the places those boots have been with me--big city streets and sawdusty concrete floors and that incredible southern snowfall last winter--i can't imagine ditching them now.

i don't actively miss columbia, though there are a few folks that stay on my mind pretty consistently. the immediacy of buying this house and caring for this 60-pound beast has thus far beat out my penchant for nostalgia, thank god. we are planning a south-bound trip for new years eve, so people in cola town: be around.

we are signing on this house tomorrow. it has been an arduous process and we'll be glad to have it behind us. i don't know what it will feel like to own a house--especially this one, which i love so much already. i'd be lying if i said the words 'ball and chain' hadn't entered my mind. though 'incredibly lucky' would probably be the most common phrase to pass through my head.

socially, i feel like we've already met people we fit with. i thought that would take at least year. small towns do seem to push people together out of necessity, though the friendships aren't any less real. (some of) you will be happy to know that i'm still doing my favorite things--porch-sitting and shooting pool in dive bars. with good people. some things never change.

and then, some things do. my grandpa passed away this morning in the hospital. he lived the life he wanted and was ready to go. of course, that makes saying goodbye only slightly less excruciating.

i can't help but wonder if he's at a kitchen table in heaven right now, sitting across my grandma as she plays on her handheld poker machine. i wonder if jeopardy is on. i wonder if they're being all sweet to each other or just being quiet. i'm sure he's catching her up on all the corny jokes he's thought of and heard since she went. she's definitely rolling her eyes.

to be 500 miles away is simultaneously easier and much more difficult. i've been sitting in this chair all morning, not sure how to feel or what to do. i guess i'll go to the grocery and make dinner. book a flight to go home. watch tv. write a little.

i just want to tell you one thing before i do. because it's healing to talk about the dead and today there's no one here (besides gus, who is not the best listener) to talk to. my grandfather was a funny man. the funniest. whenever he filled out a sweepstakes card or junky magazine subscription, he always put his name down as G. Howie Phartz. he'd do it too, as a prank on his friends. i always loved that more than anything.

today, the world lost a brilliant humorist. my grandpa, Mr. Phartz.

back on the chain gang.

2010-09-27T16:33:00.006-04:00

remember that time i worked at a wing joint? (go on, click on it. it's good background for this post. and more importantly, pretty entertaining)

me too. so i surprised myself when i jumped at the chance to do it again (waitress--not serve animal parts to mean people). it's just that i was a little loopy from all the alone time and we were in pretty desperate need of cash-money and well, i've just always wanted to be a breakfast waitress. probably because i have big hair and love the smell of coffee.

anyway, i got the job. and it's a cool joint, too. locally-raised food and big-city dishes (well, around here hummus is big-city. one time, i asked the grocery store manager if he stocked tahini. he looked at me like i was some sort of sea monster and shook his head no. i later found it in the asian foods section) but with classic breakfast standbys--fantastic coffee and the best biscuits. the people are nice and the hours are good (3 days a week, early morning to early afternoon) and it's making me feel apart of things.

there is one downside to all of this, though. something completely unexpected and weird. and embarrassing. remember how i could never say "y'all" when i lived in columbia? i mean, i could physically say it, but it sounded phony and sort of condescending. well, i can say it now. actually, i can't stop saying it. it just...happened. i put on that apron and it came out. and now it comes out at home and at the gas station and in emails. you're a sneaky bastard, south carolina.

speaking of coming out, gus pooped and peed a little in his sleep the other day. i think he had a scary dream. would you like to see some pictures of him playing frisbee at the park? good, here they are:

have you ever seen such a rib cage? sometimes i think there must be other universes in gussy's ribs.

gus and the neighborhood bully.

2010-09-23T14:58:00.000-04:00

it's not really a fair fight. (intelligence-wise, you know.)

when good ideas go bad.

2010-09-18T17:35:00.007-04:00

in an attempt to outdo myself as the coolest wife ever (CWE), i put together what i thought would be a slam-dunk menu for pgc's birthday dinner.*

clockwise from top right: asparagus casserole, hashbrown casserole, pork chop & rice casserole, and (the grand daddy of all casseroles) grean bean c-role. that's corn bread chillin' in the middle.

all together, that's like 37 cans of cream of mushroom soup, folks.

the shock-and-awe factor was amazing. seeing that many casseroles cooling on the stove was like walking in on santa as he tied your new white pony to the christmas tree.

the first few bites were awesome (awesome.) but after a few more, things got a little...gross. by the end of the meal, my face was flush and i couldn't wait to unbutton my pants (so i didn't. because i'm sexy like that.). a few minutes later a lost-in-the-desert thirst kicked in and we spent the remainder of our "celebration" on different couches downstairs groaning and cursing my "awesome idea."

then i redeemed myself by pulling out a pair of kansas city chiefs tickets. CWE, y'all.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*did i just call something "slam-dunk?"

road to joy.

2010-09-14T14:53:00.002-04:00

gus and i have been stressed out. today, even though we had some things we could and should be doing, we took a drive through the country. to a small place about 20 miles from here called uniontown.

just outside fort scott. amber waves of grain and all that.

at first, gus was pretty psyched.

but soon fell prey to the sandman.

more scenery. gorgeous country.

uniontown.

more uniontown.

not dead (i checked), just napping. in the middle of main street.

someone come visit so we can hang out in this beer joint.

gus woke up to have a staring contest with this guy.

countryside outside of uniontown. very hilly.

see?

sunflowers everywhere.

hollywood hills, uniontown style.

throwing in the towel.*

2010-09-09T20:32:00.003-04:00

a woman came to the door a few days ago, a democrat, asking for my support this fall. well, of course, i said, virtually ready to invite her in for a hug and a drink. she handed me a flyer, detailing her record and i glanced over it while making small talk about moving here, the scary dog under my legs, etc. apparently, this "democrat" is strong on second amendment rights and border control (border control...in kansas?). she's also PRO-LIFE (her emphasis, not mine). while i respect the fact that not everyone subscribes to same "liberal agenda" as i do and that differences within a party are expected and even productive...i mean, geez. geez! this place makes south carolina look like berkeley, california.

i'm just going to focus on that national politics. (because they're so encouraging.)

speaking of my scary dog, i'm starting to realize that i am no dog whisperer, despite having watched every episode. gus is very big. and very smart. and sometimes very averse to doing what i want him to do. while he's pretty good on walks (thanks to his gentle leader--a contraption that makes it uncomfortable to look any direction but forward) he freaks out (freaks. out.) when anyone says hello to me or "how are ya," or "pretty dog." and everyone says those things because it's just that kind of town. gus just brughbrughbrughbrugh's at them. especially if they're old or very young. he's sort of okay with middle-aged people. as long as they're not walking with their cute grandma or darling toddler--then it's game on.

i just purchased _dogs for dummies_ on ebay.

i don't know where my tax dollars are going. (that's the only time you'll hear me talk like a dolly madison-impersonating (for you, pgc) tea partier. (or tea bagger. or tea enthusiast. (basically THOSE people have ruined earl grey for me.) whoa, i digress.) there are many intersections in fort scott that don't have stop signs. as in, both directions have the right of way. i mean, as much as i hate stopping (gotsta get to dairy queen, y'all!), this strikes me as a little dangerous.

the other things our tax dollars do not buy (and my point, really) are trash pick up and recycling service. the trash thing isn't a huge deal, as we don't produce a lot of it and it's cheap to have hauled away (or feed to the dog). the recycling thing on the other hand, is killing us. once a month we are expected to drag our cans and bottles downtown and sort them out in huge trailers. this so conveniently happens early on a saturday morning. do you have any idea how crazy we get on friday nights? (crazy watchin' lifetime channel movies and eating french onion dip, mom.) we've already missed this day twice.

look:

at that's just inside the house. you should see the garage. at this point, we're going to have to buy a suburban just to do our part.

*i am not nearly as grumpy as this post makes it seem. i promise, i will be cheery next time.

when it rains, it pours. (seriously.)

2010-09-04T16:06:00.004-04:00

ah, the midwest. where the love/hate relationship you have with mexican food is nothing compared the one you have with your basement.

the basement (don't you dare call it a man cave) in happier times.

when it rains in kansas, it really rains. monsoon style. and on wednesday morning the basement flooded. well, a portion of it. the portion near this thing, so called a cellar door:

really? who's dumb enough to install a door UPSIDE DOWN?

anyway. it really wasn't a big deal and i got a shop-vac out of it, which i've secretly wanted for a while. i also got to enjoy the always-stupefying experience of being a woman in a hardware store.

"ma'am, what you need is a SUMP. PUMP." say it slower, buddy, sometimes my boobs get in the way of my ability to understand english.*

"now, is your husband home to help you set this up?" oh geez, no. i guess i'll have to piece it together from the pictures in the manual!

i'm happy to report that this stupid girl had the basement clean and dry in no time. didn't even a get a smudge on my gingham apron, either.

anyway. it flooded a little again the next night, while we were ~~fretting and wringing our hands about the carolina game~~ getting geared up to watch the gamecocks lay the smack down. torrential downpours are no match for my shop-vac though, and we had that place dry before the pre-game show. best purchase of the week.

"oh, i see. you'd rather watch strangers play with a ball."

gus was clearly not enamored of football and confused by all the yelling and woo-hooing and high-fiving that goes on in the cook household during a carolina game. one minute he thought he was in trouble and next that he had just done something magnificently awesome. eventually he just passed out from all the emotion.

carolina won--convincingly, and the basement's been dry since. everybody's happy, even this little curmudgeon:

gitmos says, "thumbs up, dude!"

*we have sump pump. i told him that about 12 times.

how can i not think of a purple pun?! argh.

2010-08-31T16:09:00.001-04:00

it dawned on me today, as i was taking 4,368 pictures of gitmo and gus, that i never showed you what became of the barney room. edge of your seat, right? well, here you go, friend. you can sleep tonight.

yes, anyone that was at my bridal shower--that is the williams-sonoma tablecloth. it's just too beautiful for gravy stains.

while i have your attention--look at this face. ah! could you not just eat him?! (well don't. i love him.)

day-drinkers of the world, unite*

2010-08-30T13:34:00.008-04:00

the thing i'm learning about setting up a house is that it takes time. my attention span is struggling and the only thing that seems to get my domestic motor going is spray-painting, go figure. did you know you can buy a can of spray paint at the wal mart for one dollar? they're selling happiness for a buck. (happiness is made in china, in case you were looking for it.)

i'm not proud of putting (more) money in the wallets and trust funds of the walton grandchildren, but hey, we're broke and i'm bored. get off my case.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so, we live in bourbon county. and on sundays, you have to drive to missouri to get beer. what a crock. prohibition in kansas wasn't lifted until 1948 and off-premises liquor sales were still banned when i was a toddler. this state is like a little rectangle of sobriety.

also, re: the mimosa rule. whoa, you guys are a bunch of lushes--lots of protest on this one. lest pgc appear uptight, i should clarify one thing. i'm working right now on a long and involved writing project that when finished, will have his name on it, too. plus, if left to my own devices (and a bottle of champagne) i would be no fun to come home to. ("honey! i ordered a pizza for dinner! again!" ... on second thought, that would be a lot of fun.) regardless, i appreciate all the day-drinking support.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my sweet sweet gussy has finally learned that he is indeed a boy. when we first got him, he would squat to pee like girl. this made sense to me as he's always cohabitated with dominant female boxers. now, after two months of being the only dog--and therefore the alpha dog--in the house, he is finally lifting his leg to pee. well, and to show off. whenever he sees or even hears another dog, he runs to the nearest vertical object and does his thing. he's not that great at it yet, and usually has to prop his leg up on the tree or just hop awkwardly a few times. at first i thought it was super cute, but he's a little obsessed with it and keeps trying to mark when he is clearly running on empty.

this is another thing we've been working on--picking up the frisbee:

i know it gets a little pathetic after a 30 seconds or so (oh my goodness, how sweet are those pounces?), but hold out to the end so you can see his intense frisbee face. that's my boy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* made me think of this (which unfortunately looks like that to avoid copyright infringement). listening is just as hilarious as watching it:

home alone.

2010-08-25T16:10:00.006-04:00

i walked (yay!) to the dentist (boo!) this morning. apparently i have a cavity in one of my back left molars. i held my mouth and thought about the ice cream sundaes i've been enjoying for lunch almost every day since paul started going to work.

secretly, i'm thankful to have an appointment tomorrow to get it filled. something to do. even if it does not involve a companion, a cocktail, or a hamburger.

so begin my first lonely days of housewifedom. since pgc prohibited mimosas before 3 p.m. (as outlined in section III article 7b of my stay-at-home-mom-without-children contract), ice cream has been my go-to.

other things i've been doing include walking up and down the stairs forgetting what i was looking for, watching roseanne, perusing the internet for hours without so much as monster.comming job listings in my area, and scheming ways to become a successful freelance writer while exerting minimal effort.

things i've thought about doing include seeing how far west i can drive and get back before pgc returns home (i'm guessing a little past wichita) or doing something inane and time-consuming like that lady who made all of julia child's dishes and blogged about it. you know, just to have an answer when people ask that awful question. "so, what do you do?"

the other question i'm getting sick of is this one: "why did you move here?"

i don't know, lady, i like cows. leave me alone.

actually, i do like this place (partly for the livestock, yes). we've found ourselves at various functions lately, some in town, some for the college, and are quickly relearning that golden rule of living somewhere not-so-cool: it's the people that matter. we've met some good ones recently.

i must mention, however, that not everyone is awesome. somehow, someway, paul and i found a more conservative place to live than south carolina. (fantastic.) people around here think it's appropriate to plaster photos of bloody fetuses to everything. i'm told guns don't kill people, abortion clinics do.

anyway, back to being bored. i should not complain. this a pretty outrageously lucky position to be in and i'm grateful for it. after working full-time for three years (poor me, i know), i finally have time to do the things i want to do. write. sew. read. watch roseanne. figure out what my next move will be. all i have to do at this point is empty the dishwasher and not hit the sauce until dinner. as a darling woman i used to know in cola-town might say, "easy peasy, lemon squeezy."

plus, it just so happens that i have a stay-at-home dog. how lucky is that?!

the good stuff.

2010-08-21T17:15:00.004-04:00

While things are ultimately on the upswing, I won't lie and say it hasn't been hard. I miss Columbia and the good people I said goodbye to. I miss our old house on Gladden and the dangerous/charming neighborhood we lived in. I miss my family and all the people who have come and gone since we got here (as well as their manual labor). I miss living in a town with a Mediterranean restaurant. And more than two radio stations. And bars with decks.

Alas, I try to focus on the good things...

Spray paint and thrift store mirrors. So I can watch myself dance to George Harrison on vinyl.

Our new blue kitchen.

Cheap window treatments (place mats from Target).

Perfect blue paw prints...

and cats who should know by now to leave the scene of the crime.

My new Mrs. Butterworth lamp.

Marsha's Great Plains deli.

Best friends who garden.

Best friends in general.

PGC's new office, complete with window (so long, Humanities Office Building)

Cliche family photos in black & white.

W.I.P.

2010-08-12T17:47:00.002-04:00

because i'm a lazy writer. and a busy painter/unpacker/interior designer:

mr. gus goes to pleasanton.

2010-08-11T10:21:00.001-04:00

god help you if i ever have real children.

best dog ever.

location location location.

2010-08-02T16:29:00.005-04:00

They tell us our things will be here tomorrow morning at 8:00 a.m. We’re not holding our breath. Um, hello?! Ever heard of truck fires, rock slides, the apocalypse?!

We’ve spent the last week alternating between working hard and taking it easy, trying to distract ourselves from the piercing loneliness of this big, empty house.

We talked about how dream-like the last few weeks have been and decided it wasn’t the lack of stuff that was getting to us, but rather the lack of memories attached to said stuff. We tried to look around at the few items that came to Kansas in our trunk, hoping to extract some emotion from what we had before; something to connect the past to the now. Something to make us feel like real people and not just mannequins inside a department store display. Paul found the Scooby-Doo tin that holds our dishwashing tabs. The one that left that permanent rust stain on the white counter at Gladden Street. It made me think of the wall behind that sink, wrinkled and waterlogged, and how it took me a month to train a little orange kitten that it was not his scratching post.

I think everybody gets tired of their stuff—and the inordinate amount of it that seems to end up in our homes. The last few weeks have made us depend on each other for everything (conversation, how to open a can of mushrooms without a can opener, dog and cat wrangling), and while in a way that has been refreshing, I think we’re both ready to not be so damn needy. And bored.

Okay, okay. No more about the stuff, I promise. I mean, until I get it. Because then it will be like Christmas, except for all the working and sweating and chasing cats who slip out the front door every ten minutes.

We have gotten some things done. I, showing great initiative and perseverance, painted our entire bedroom and sitting room all by myself. Now, I don’t usually take inspiration from Sally Hansen, but what I was going for was something like Commander in Chic (shut up):

It turned out more grape soda than chic:

I know it looks brown in the photo but take my word for it.We take turns telling each other it will look better with furniture. And how awesome I am for doing 48 hours worth of painting with one paint brush, one rickety chair, and one old sheet (we’re on a budget).

Paul’s been working on de-crapping the basement, the one room he’s in total control of. This has meant scrubbing the impossibly dirty floor, killing our insect tenants, and making the bathroom down there look less like it belongs in a men’s locker room. He bought a black rug (“I plan on spilling things and not cleaning them up.”) which would not have been my first choice, but then again, I painted our bedroom the color of Barney.

In other news:

-It has become apparent that living six blocks from a Dairy Queen is going to be a challenging arrangement.

-These two have become fast friends, though Gitmo has no qualms about slapping Gus in the jowls when he gets out of line.

-It’s our two-year anniversary. We plan on celebrating by eating hamburgers, drinking Mexican beer, and sitting on the porch telling the same old stories. (I love you, PGC. So much.)

it's hot.

2010-07-29T09:10:00.000-04:00

making the best of it.

2010-07-27T09:59:00.002-04:00

I’ve had to start wearing extra-strength deodorant. Kansas 1, Ashley 0.

Paul, Gus, and I took a drive around the countryside yesterday. It’s so beautiful out here. The land seems to lay dormant for miles and miles before waking and rising to reveal a stunning vista of the prairie below. The sky itself is a wonder, so blue and so big. The clouds seem jumbo-size, too. Gus was unimpressed by the scenery and curled up in the back seat to sleep.

But it’s not all fluffy clouds and amber waves of grain. We went through dying towns and ghost towns and towns with ten occupied houses and one crumbling silo. There is something very lonely and slightly terrifying about these empty spaces that were once so full. They're like the stately old neighborhoods around Detroit that have fallen into such surreal disrepair. Time is funny. People are fickle.

Back on the home front, we have found one place that we (dog included) enjoy tremendously. It’s called Gunn Park and it’s a bit of a tradition around here. The City of Fort Scott and its establishments seem very determined to keep all valuable or interesting information off the internet, so I cannot tell you how many acres the park encompasses or what it costs to park your RV there (I’m probably a little more interested in those things than you are). I can tell you that I’ve never seen anything like it in any place that I’ve lived or been. There are two lakes, a river, hills and woods and fields galore. Perfect for a young pup learning to catch a frisbee.

perfect frisbee locale.

Gus loves Gunn Park (or as he calls it, Funn Park).

har har. (photo by pgc, who never fails to notice this type of thing.)

the mighty marmaton.

We went to the park tonight, after our second foray into the local Mexican cuisine. Last week, it was El Charro, a rather boring and strangely popular joint out by the Wal-Mart (this last phrase being a common and acceptable directive given out by locals when asked where something is). It was fine, but no Casa Linda. La Hacienda, this evening’s venue, just opened downtown in between a couple of antique stores. Besides the barefoot children running through the restaurant (oh, Kansas) that disrupted the chips and salsa portion of our meal, this place was the jam. Next week, we’ll try Taco Tico, Taco Bell’s sketchy Kansan cousin.

Speaking of haciendas, ours is still mostly empty. But I’ve resolved to stop bitching about that and move on to more productive activities. We bought some big-kid furniture the other day at a store downtown. The couch and oversized armchair are a little bit leather, a little bit fabric, so sort of a compromise of styles for us. Beyond being timeless, we can now sit down in our own house. !!! I also stripped the ugly faux stone wallpaper in the dining room today. Tomorrow, I will start painting.

Thus far we’ve had an air conditioning problem, a garbage disposal issue, and found out that the cellar door is basically a piece of wood leaning against another piece of wood. But, it rained hard the other night and the basement did not leak. In the Midwest, we consider that a major victory. Kansas 1, Ashley 1.

After the last few weeks we’ve had, I’m happy with a tie.

mama, don't let your babies grow up to be allied van lines customer service representatives.

2010-07-22T11:07:00.002-04:00

We’ve been in Kansas for 6 days. Our belongings have been on a truck in Columbia, South Carolina for 12 days. They will stay there for at least 12 more. Don’t even get me started.

I still feel like I’m on vacation, living out of a suitcase, sleeping on an air mattress, and eating frozen pizza. A week ago I would have told you I wasn’t materialistic, could pack a Kerouac suitcase and just go. Not so. I want my stuff so bad I cannot even tell you. I want my Hanes tank tops, my bed and my pizza cutter. I want to get settled.

One issue is all of these animals. We are now the proud providers for a white boxer named Gus. The cats are not as excited as we are about him. Without furniture in the house, our hardwoods are like a huge dance floor and when the chase is on, you should just hear the sliding and scraping of paws and claws. I’ve cleaned up more spilled water bowls and comforted more terrified cats than sat on my new front porch.

Not to overdo the dome and gloom, let me tell you about the high points. Waking up and walking this pup has been pretty gratifying. We go all over; some streets are lined with restored Victorians, some with collapsing ramblers. Everyone waves to us, no matter which kind we're on. Some people have asked if he’s a dalmatian because you can see his spots through his white fur. I’ve gotten the pit bull question once and a random bulldog inquiry. They all say he’s (some variation) of beautiful. All that matters to me is he’s mine.

To be filed under the little things, the deli down the street is phenomenal. In exchange for a couple wrinkled-up dollar bills, you can buy a monstrosity of a sandwich, with meat piled as high as the commercials. If you walk the other way, you’ll come to a sixty year-old diner where dusty men with baseball caps on sit around the counter, devouring double cheeseburgers and suzie-q’s, three hours before they even think about eating dinner in New York City.

I feel like this little town gets bigger everyday. I keep discovering new pockets and buildings and flea markets and monuments. The library is pretty neat, even if they don’t have dvd’s. They’ll catch up.

And so will we, hopefully, with this settling-in process, as soon as our stuff arrives. There’s more to say about this town, this transition our house and new dog. Another time.

Until then, if you need to move your belongings across the country, DO NOT hire Allied Van Lines. Trust me.

And now this:

he's pretty devoted to this ball.

it started out as a hiding space, but i think they're more comfortable than they let on.

gitmo's new spot.

my first flea market purchase.

riding in cars with cats

2010-07-12T22:28:00.003-04:00

at 7:30 a.m., we left columbia for good. i was too busy rubbing my eyes, cooing at gitmo, and yearning for coffee to be sad.

at 9:20 a.m., successfully through charlotte, we stopped for more caffeine. we dragged all three kennels out of the cars so that cats could get fresh, gas station air. frannie, being the youngest and least experienced on the road, had predictably puked all over the front of her cage. forgetting about that dr. pepper i had been dreaming of, i took enough circle k napkins to be charged with shoplifting and cleaned up the mess. as i was about to put the poor girl back in her cage, i noticed the poop that had been smashed into the back corner by a little paw. more napkins. more purrell. enough to get a small cat drunk, for sure. i'm a bad mom. paul got me my soda.

12:00 p.m., things were getting better, i was getting cocky. we'll get home for dinner, i thought. and then, as we were merging onto i-77 from i-81, it happened. we stopped. and stayed stopped for an hour. thankfully, gitmo took this quiet opportunity to go to sleep. i took this quiet opportunity to lose my mind. and curse the sea of ohio license plates around me. find another way to the beach, folks. build a tunnel, or something. the ohio-myrtle beach tunnel.

2:00 p.m., after crawling 7 miles, we finally passed the culprit of our misery, a bombed out shell of an rv. cheese pitas came to mind. at this point gitmo woke up crying and paul called from car number two to say that his two furry responsibilities weren't looking so hot, or rather, they were looking overheated. and grumpy. we made the mistake of pulling off on the first exit we came across. the gas station looked more like an airport and you would have thought the ladies were lining up for justin beiber tickets, not a dirty bathroom without paper towels. i decided i didn't really need my kidneys anyway and bought a prepackaged ham sandwich and water. fool that i am, i forgot you cannot make cats do anything, least of all eat and drink.

the next few hours of the trip were quiet and depressing. i listened to am radio so as to not disturb my feline passenger who absolutely insisted on spending the rest of the trek on my lap. safety first, y'all.

5:00 p.m., finally in ohio, we stopped for gas and again brought out the cages. i decided to check on frannie once more, to inspect her cage for bodily fluids and give her some jerky i bought. as i pulled her out of the kennel, i felt drops of warm liquid hit my feet. my boo had been sitting in her own pee for god knows how long. chessie was in worse shape, mentally at least, looking at me like a tired, shell-shocked soldier. i was feeling rough, with an empty stomach, tired eyes, and a heavy heart. paul was starving and his spirits were low, but he tried not to let on. in fact, the only member of the family who seemed to be doing well, was the little blind kitty that could. such a trooper.

we frantically cleaned cages and pumped gas, and exchanged "it'll be all rights." we traded cats and raced the remaining two hours to my parents house. twelve hours after we left columbia, we pulled into the driveway at the old blue house in new carlisle. i barely hugged my mama as i ran inside to bathe frannie, soaked in urine, bits of jerky stuck in her fur.

things ain't right.

2010-07-01T10:46:00.002-04:00

so, we're not in kansas...yet. in about eight days, we will turn over the keys to our beloved apartment and hit the road. packing sucks, of course, but the cats are really taking it as an opportunity to sit in places they never could before.

gitmo has been a bit overwhelmed, as all of his memorized trails through the house are blocked. other things are weird too.

like, i don't normally start drinking at 9:30am on a weekday (unless it's a particularly awesome day). or dress like this.

thank goodness for my kidneys, england was knocked out on sunday.

in weirder but happier news, the gamecocks won their first national championship (in something that matters) on tuesday. we spent the evening (and too much money) at yesterday's watching the game with some die-hards. afterwards, five points got nuts. so, i did what any normal person would do--i walked around telling people i was from the state paper, and would they pose for tomorrow's edition?

very mean, i know. but i have a couple dozen pretty awesome photos.

i've also started waking up at 10:30 (a.m.!). most of the time i'm wearing a swimming suit under my clothes for just in case. don't even get me started on how many hot dogs i've consumed in the last week, or french fries for that matter. i'm doing other weird things (for me) like getting my hair cut and throwing things away. weirdest of all, i'm getting sad about leaving this stupid town.

on retirement, private islands, and procrastination

2010-06-17T17:45:00.001-04:00

i've settled into my retirement fairly easy; all thoughts of work and responsibilities left me in about two days. i sleep until 9:30, which, for me, is unbelievable. i putter around in the morning, drinking black coffee, picking up magazines and putting them down after a few paragraphs because apparently i've forgotten how to read. unless of course, the reading material pertains to my new homeland. now my preferences are limited to tour guides from a forgotten shelf at the missouri country inn and suites, local kansas newspapers that report on birthday parties and community center events, or _prairyerth_, a phenomenal and deep study of chase county kansas (see header photo).

i've also been doing my fair share of socializing, on the cheap you know--we're broke. dollar beers and buy-one-get-one free meals abound in this town, so there's always something to do. pgc is well into the summer flag football season (go graduate english!) while i've been excelling at wednesday night trivia (go miami dolphins!). we've won 3 weeks in a row. 50 dollar bar tab, yo.

lovin' the golden years

in other news, we were treated to a fantastic weekend at fripp island, a pristine private island that looks more like a jungle than a resort town. we tooled around in pgc's grandparents' golf cart, indulged in some serious fried seafood, and probably lounged by the pool for longer than our skin appreciated. we climbed the hunting island lighthouse, too. quality family time plus a quality tan. not bad.

south carolina summer is in full swing, as the temperature swells to well above 100 degrees, and trips to the grocery start to feel like epic journeys across the sahara (bring water!). summer squalls rage in the evening and afterwards everything is sticky and hazy, but cooler, thank god cooler. we sit on porches a lot. bitching about the heat. it's a tradition that i will surely miss.

a quadriceps's worst nightmare and a tastebud's dream

fripp island deer

all this reading about kansas has not motivated me to pack a single item, a task i will probably put off until july. gitmo is blind you know, don't want to go moving things around on him. it's incredible to me how much stuff we've accumulated after just two years together in this house. we've got board games and beatles figurines and countless stolen signs and trinkets. i have no idea what to keep, what to toss, how to deal with all the dust.

all of this self indulgence, sun-bathing, and late-morning sleeping are starting to get the best of me, i'm afraid. as my ire over the gulf spill and a disappointing president and effing alvin greene seems to melt away into concerns over SPF and hulu episodes. it's a break i know i deserve, but one that i'm unaccustomed to. i would do well to pack a box. or read a real periodical.

maybe that john denver isn't full of sh*t.

2010-06-11T11:10:00.002-04:00

in case you don't get the reference:

did you know that john denver was born in roswell, new mexico? not montana or colorado or west virginia.

mountain step-mama, apparently.

i fell in love with mr. denver somewhere around the beginning of high school, around the same time i learned that eating a half a box of fudge rounds in one sitting will make you fat (ashley these are calories. calories, ashley.). it was one of the cd's my mother and i could agree on (the other--are you ready for this--robbie williams. what??). i just ate up all that earth-loving, lady-leaving goodness like i knew what the man was talking about.

"so mama, is john denver from west virginia, or colorado?"

"um, neither. i think he's from arizona, or maybe new mexico."

scccreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech.

that john denver is full of shit indeed. whatta fraud. whatta phoney.

my mother tried explaining to me that you can come home to a place you've never been before. but, i wasn't buying it.

today, as i putzed about the house, in all my post-retirement glory, listening to john denver's greatest hits on vinyl (got it for one dolla!), i remembered having that conversation.

in a few weeks, i'm leaving south carolina for good. and while i won't miss the politics, i know that there will be days that i long for a balmy spring afternoon and a cup of boiled peanuts from a run-down gas station. somehow, this has become my home. my mother was right.

perhaps i'll be (re)born in the summer of my 25th year.

ch-ch-ch changes!

2010-05-19T15:40:00.003-04:00

we're moving to kansas, y'all!

wanna hear about it?

time out of mind.

2010-01-08T12:28:00.003-05:00

NOTE: the following posts are from 2009 and before, when this blog was titled, "It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Blogging.

okay. now i've got it. my new years resolution is to stop being on time. and never early.

i don't have one, solitary friend who matches me on promptness (beside PGC). in fact, if i want them there at 7:30, i tell them to meet me at 7, so that when i get there at 7:30, i'll only have to wait a half hour.

doneskies with that. i got things to do. (not really. i'm pretty wide open.)

so, i know alexis thinks this is directed at her. because she was late to meet me on wednesday and because she is the only person that reads this blog. but, in fact, it's not. for once, her lateness was legitimate. but it did get me thinking about all my other flaky friend.

and yes, i got to see my homegirl on wednesday. bonus: with her adorable husband. double bonus: mine came along, too.

we met up in rock hill, not the most fabulous and fun place to catch up--but hey, it was central and, like i said, a wednesday. i finally got to try the white horse, which paul has been talking up since i met him. the yesterdays of rock hill, indeed.

and now finally, it is friday. mimosa friday to be exact. but it's 38 degrees outside, so it may turn into hot-toddy-in-a-bar friday. whichever.

just as long as no one mentions monday. or is 17 hours late.

oh, resolutions.

2010-01-06T11:47:00.001-05:00

i resolved not to talk trash about other people this year. then i had drinks with some friends.

sooooo.

now my resolution is to exercise more. than last year. so really, only once. i think i'll wait until june.

so this is the new year.

2010-01-04T12:00:00.006-05:00

things are normal again. paul is home, there is no longer a fake, plastic tree in the dining room and the 36 hour work week is back in full swing. in other words, things are depressing.

new years eve was just about perfect. 2009 was the year of new (really awesome) friends for us, and we whiled away the last day of it with them. (pronouns!) this year, we opted not to barhop like we usually do, and instead kept the bar stools at the whig warm all night long. one tradition did stick, though: i ended up with a magnum of champagne on my sweater and shoes. classy.

on the first day of this new decade, i got up as early as could be expected and fried up a pound of bacon. not for me. for my pot of black eyed peas. (i was in charge of making sure everyone got their good luck this year.) i put that baby on low and slow all day. i was a little disappointed that you could still taste the peas (and not just the bacon fat) when we finally did chow down, but everyone else said it was good, so i'll call it a success.

the weekend flew by, between bowl games and bowls of leftovers (i'm expecting loooooots of good luck). yesterday, the decorations came down and with them, my spirits. oh, how i despise the first two months of the year.

next time i try to pretend i'm all midwestern and better than you and that, well, i sure do love the winter...slap me.

(2/2) year in review.

2009-12-31T11:13:00.002-05:00

july: we sweat (sweated?) a lot in july, and made one of this year's many pilgrimages to virginia.

august: we made it a whole year without killing each other. so, we went to the mountains and ate hot dogs.

september: as fall approached, i made a major life decision. based on a TLC television show.

october: ah, maryland. and marital static.

november: in november, the unthinkable happened.

december: oh, and pgc became a doctor. no big deal.

happy new year!!!

(1/2) year in review.

2009-12-30T11:50:00.002-05:00

january: the new year meant no claws for our little orange man. and a preview of my awesome mothering skills.

february: in february, we visited the upstate and ate a lot of meat.

march: in march, i regaled you with stories of my days as a wing waitress. (remember?) i also went to boston and was asked if i had reservations...at a sports bar.

april: now that pgc is sportin' a cellie tellie, we can look back and laugh at our landline days.

may: summer came, and with it, a new motivation for outdoor activities.

june: summer really came and stamped out said motivation. instead, we threw parties and went to some, too.

apparently, we are those kind of people.

2009-12-25T09:30:00.002-05:00

the kind that dress up their cat on holidays.

merry christmas from ohio!

happy ho ho ho.

2009-12-22T10:05:00.003-05:00

tomorrow i head to the great, white midwest, for my first pgc-less christmas in a long time.

the ten-hour drive will be like reliving all those lonesome college-to-home pilgrimages, three months worth of laundry in the backseat and a semester's smattering of mixed cd's occupying the passenger seat. sigh.

pgc has some important stuff going on, so i understand. i am making him buy me sushi tonight though, to make up for it.

solo dayton, then, how will i have thee? cold and snowy, please, but not so much that i can't leave my parent's house. there are thrift stores and dive bars i'd like to visit, with a few old friends, of course.

beyond that, there is the promise of mama-time. without pgc around, we can really shop like we mean it, not feeling bad about leaving him home alone with only a 30 pack of strohs. oh, and the eating. girly things like sweet potatoes doused in maple syrup.

anyway, i will also be gitmo and chess-less this week, as well. there have been some home invasions, car break-ins, etc. in the hood (ah, gentrification!), so i'm a little worried about them. not that i think anyone would steal those two (if they did, they'd bring them back shortly thereafter), but might take the tv, and leave the door ajar for the furballs to wander out of. christmas bummer, for sure. hopefully santa (and the columbia pd) won't let that happen.

and now you know all the super-interesting details about my christmas break. merry merry everybody!

untitled no.1

2009-12-16T10:53:00.003-05:00

guess who's debt free, bitches?

me and the peeg.

so, naturally, we went out to dinner to celebrate. two yesterday's burritos were exactly how i thought financial freedom would taste.

though, i was not expecting the upset stomach.

anyway, lots of stuff going on. unfortunately for you, it's all top secret. christmas presents and major life decisions and the like. if you really want to know, meet me on the porch. you bring the oj, i got the champagne.

what i can tell you is that for the first time in my southern-life history, it is cold in the days leading up to christmas. i feel the spirit moving within me, folks. i'm listening to pandora christmas music as i type, only skipping the songs by anyone who has appeared on VH1's divas. yup, i'm even listening in the scary piano ones. it takes all kinds.

i'm not even close to being done with presents. i'm trying to be really thoughtful this year (read: we may be debt-free, but we're broke). i'm making some things, and using some old gift cards for others. being of the mind that gift-giving should fulfill a need (and no, empty space on the mantle does not justify a need. no one needs another snowman figurine), i want to give presents that will be used throughout the year. added bonus: your friends and family will think of you all the time. but in a good way.

i like receiving useful things, too. this year, i asked for a haircut. haircuts are expensive, you know? i also asked for steak knives, as i am tired of eating pork chops like fried chicken. i requested blankets and mascara, etc. i'm on a no-more-junk kick.

not to be confused with a no-more-junk-food kick, because i do consider chocolate a very useful gift.

big time.

2009-12-14T08:35:00.005-05:00

i don't want to get all weepy on you here, but i'm afraid i must.

pgc is being hooded a doctor today and i keep getting all misty-eyed just thinking about it.

when i first met paul, i had no idea what it meant to get a doctorate. i thought it sounded like fun, actually, teaching college kids during the day, attending reading groups at night (in some dark bar, no less). heck, i thought i might even want to do it one day.

then i started paying attention.

there is no quitting time in graduate school. no five o'clock, no email-less days. this stuff never ends.

and you find very few true friends on this journey. competition and jealousy take their toll and staying on track can be a lonely battle.

the sheer impossibility of what lies before you, career-wise, is enough to scare most people away. getting a (decent) job in academia these days is tantamount to becoming a supreme court justice. i know that sounds counter-intuitive, but even the university is a capitalistic venture.

and all the while, you're arguing with some punk kid from maryland over why he deserves an 'a' and not the 'b' that you gave him (he just has to keep his scholarship).

oh, and the poverty. the poverty is bad.

so, obviously, i'm excited to see pgc walk across that stage today. i have never been so proud.

congrats, love! dr. love, i should say.

all of this:

was worth it!

hark!

2009-12-07T19:13:00.002-05:00

don't get too excited, it's fake.
just don't tell this guy.

my main squeeze.

2009-12-06T21:27:00.004-05:00

since pgc, my social outings have been a lot more successful than they once were.

(in college, when i tried to go out, i usually ended up being carried home. or crying in the bathroom. so...yeah, better than that.)

these days, i'm (mostly) a classy lady.

but, friday posed a quandary for yours truly. mimosa friday started at 3 and didn't end until all the dining room chairs were on the porch. there was some a cappella and some folks who haven't been on the porch since summer. it was a good 'ol gladden street time.

naturally, i was all in for MF, but somewhere, way back in the back of my head, that responsible girl whom i mainly ignore, was telling me to take it easy. "annual office christmas party tonight," she said, in a sort of singsong-y mocking tone.

6:30 rolled around a little faster than i thought, and before i knew it, i was pulling on tights in a frenzied manner. as i dragged more mascara over my tired eyelashes, i told paul, "keep an eye on me tonight, okay? just make sure i don't say anything stupid."

big mistake.

this man may have a future in the fcc.

during the (lovely and delicious, thank you donna!) dinner, i got so many leg squeezes that i'm a little sore today.

unacceptable volume level--squeeze!
expressing anti-capitalist sentiments--squeeze!
inappropriate woohooing --big squeeze!
hugging people at the dinner table--squeeze!
making fun of pgc's pathetic cold weather tolerance--dirty look. (he kept me guessing.)

funny, because i thought everything was going just fine.

pgc admitted later, that maybe he was a little too liberal with his leg squeezes, but that he was just looking out.

and i'm okay with that. because my performance this year was much, much better than last.

getting better all the time, folks!

2 hayseed 2 care.

2009-12-03T09:23:00.006-05:00

wings always seem like a good idea, right? or am i just that southern these days?

wings especially seem like a good idea around 9 o'clock and after a couple of fat tires, which is where we found ourselves last night. at a soggy table in five points, unable to put off the evening repast any longer.

you might assume we hit up yesterdays. if i were alone--or a stronger woman--that's where we would have headed. but pgc's beard pointed another way last night. 2 fat 2 fly.

[life rule #1, never eat at a restaurant that refuses to spell out two letter words. (i know they charge by letter at the sign place. i promise your money will come back tenfold.)]

2 fat 2 fly is inside of an ollllllllld bar that is now called grandma's. before that, it was called china garden, though no one went there for the lo mein (did they even serve food?). over the years 2f2f has actually gained somewhat of a positive reputation--at least among the folks in the english department. i love wings. i do. but 2f2f takes things a little too far. an excerpt of the menu for your consideration:

Thanksgiving
stuffed w/ homemade stuffing and finished w/ brown
gravy.

Mac' n Cheese
stuffed full of macaroni and cheese and smothered with a
cheese sauce

Jambalaya
stuffed with seasoned jambalaya rice and chunks of smoked
sausage

Loaded Baked Potato
stuffed with potato, cheese, bacon, and chives
tossed in a cheddar cheese sauce

stuffed. as in, the wing is stuffed with mac 'n cheese. and then smothered (because you're already thinking about constricted breathing, aren't you?) with cheese sauce. that. is. disgusting.

why does someone always have to ruin a good thing?

i ordered some regular, unstuffed wings. they were okay. the idea of them being stuffed with sausage sort of ruined the whole experience for me. that and odors wafting from the doorless bathroom.

cooks are keepin' it classy.

i think it's safe to say next dinner out is my pick.

--------------
when i was googling for the 2f2f menu, this is the first thing that popped up from yahoo answers. i think it's appropriate and a damn good question.

Would you rather be fat and have wings to fly or marry someone who is fat and
has wings? im talking morbidly obese. Keep in mind the difficulty of
maneuvering a morbidlyobese body with a set of small wings that may provide only
for a few seconds of flight.

i used to be cool.

2009-11-30T15:48:00.003-05:00

and then i met paul. and started caring about things like this:

ah, happiness is happiness, right? gotta get it where you can.

on like a prawn at dawn mowing the lawn.

2009-11-25T12:15:00.006-05:00

last night, we kicked off the holiday season. we even had the space heater on the porch for a little while. crazy.

i'm still trying to figure out how to not repeat a shirt over the next few event-filled days. obviously, i'll rock the same pair of jeans over and over. they are c.o.h. they were expensive.

tomorrow is t-giving in the savannah river valley and the weather man is saying it might even be chilly. we'll have to wait and see, but i'm laying out a corduroy jacket.

friday is the day i'm really waiting for (no offense to the turkey or any family members). mimosa friday returns. bigger, better and bubblier. every one's invited. just bring something fruity or something mixable. and a chair. and your sense of humor. leave your half-formed opinions and ill-conceived ideas at home.

friday night will be even better, as our long lost tennessee friends return for a columbia good time. and of course...the clemson-carolina game on saturday.

we'll be toasting our boys or drowning our sorrows at yesterdays, around noon. half price wings!

at some point in the day, we'll be attempting to erect our (very first!) christmas tree. we're hoping the cats will comply.

saturday night is second t-giving, this one a little hipper and a little more vegan. and a little less stressful. t-giving with your friends! what an idea!

sunday is...i don't want to think about sunday. because then it will almost be monday.

for now, happy t-giving, where ever you are...especially if you happen to be my mama, dad, bros or g-pa, i love and miss you all!

1-800-PGC.

2009-11-23T15:48:00.005-05:00

i lost paul on friday night. one of us had a cell phone and one of us didn't. one of us forgot he (or she, but probably he) had the cell phone. an unnecessary fight ensued.

on saturday morning, after giving paul a get-your-ass-on-the-grid pep talk, i dragged him to the sprint store.

i practically had to drag him back out.

guess who's obsessed with his new cell phone and becoming everything he once hated?

this guy. check him out, in the glow of casa linda, slack-jawed and taking pictures of the chips.

i would be annoyed if i weren't so glad that he is now reachable, at all times, by his adoring wife.

in other news, there's a new cat in the neighborhood. chess is on high alert.

abundant crumbs.

2009-11-19T15:46:00.006-05:00

i have this idea for a blog. a really good idea that i'm probably not going to follow through on because i'm lazy. i thought it'd make for a good post, at least. but don't steal my idea. it's mine and you can't have it.

do you read hotel reviews when you book a room via expedia, travelocity, etc.? (you're not one of those weird, rich people who just call the reservation line are you?) if you have you know that most of the time these things are unhelpful at best.

when pgc and i honeymooned in cali, we made no reservations prior to our trip. we thought it would be "fun" to just "bounce around the coast." fools.

suffice it to say we spent much of our honeymoon praying to the gods of wifi and reading hotel reviews for the next town down the road.

there was the lady who found a hypodermic needle under her pillow in fresno (we stayed there--no needles. but oddly, no clock, either.)

and the guy who bitched and bitched about the bad artwork in his anaheim econo lodge (we stayed there, too, the art was appropriate for the 50 dollar a night tab).

and many more.

so you know where this is going.

a blog that showcases one of these little gems a day.

but since that blog is probably never going to happen, i'll give a few that i found from the hotel we stayed at last week in atlanta. which, wasn't the greatest hotel in the world but it was 78 dollars in midtown.

the dude a little too obsessed with his tech cred
The advertised internet was not as advertised, but I was offered the use of
the computer in teh lobby, I promtly packed up and tried to check out and find a
more suitable hotel and was insulted by the owners, and told my computer had
problems. I am a computer engineer, I have certifications in networking, a+,
c++ and am Microsoft certified. I am a Microsoft system builder and a desugn
engineer for all forms of systems from buisness to gaming computers. My
equipment was more than adequit and I used a network adapter antena and was
still unable to get internet reception. I was told I was a trouble maker
from the start

the feminist
Upon arrival, it was hard to even find the hotel because of poor lighting, the hotel and parking lot was dark! The hallway inside was even dark, which bothered us women.

the eloquent germaphobe
Breakfast table needs a plastic overlay - everyone’s crumbs were in an abundence making it very unsanitary.

the liar
The first room we were assigned had no bed.

like i said, you can't have my idea. feel free to marvel at it's awesomeness, however.

excuses excuses.

2009-11-18T14:14:00.005-05:00

argh. i keep neglecting you, little blog. it's not because i don't love you.

it's because i spent a night in downtown atlanta, jammin' to some tunes and sleeping in a squashed-up hotel room.

and then i had to go to chattanooga to write an article. you know, those things i get paid for? no offense, blog, but lucrative you are not.

and because when i got back, all i wanted to do was sit in my blob pants and stare at the tv with my mouth open.

oh, and i've had to work. all that sick time has me buried under stacks and stacks of copy paper and considering having a baby just for the maternity leave (we'd auction the final product fo sho. we have no money. fo real.)

i'm crock potting and dog walking (no. i would tell you if i did. like seventeen times.) and putting together christmas lists. and trying to perfect my pandora account. hence the new 'about me.' do i have to like the decemberists to be cool?

i'm trying to cozy back up to the sewing machine, who is understandably mad at me for the months of neglect. straightening the netflix que, avoiding group therapy and marveling at southern autumn, a season in its own right.

so. how about a cute cat photo? just to get back on track?

i call this one "the sweet smell of freedom."

happy (but still spitting in trashcans).

2009-11-10T11:09:00.005-05:00

today is hurricane-y. rainy and gray. love it. inclement weather makes me happy, unless i'm watching it from an airport terminal.

so, today i am happy. regardless of this lingering cough and the bruised rib it's caused me. and to perpetuate this happy feeling, i've put together a little montage of the other thing that makes my glad (there might be five*). dirty midwestern towns.

saginaw, mi

huntington, wv

evansville, in

dubuque, ia

canton, oh

and of course, the dirty d. dayton, ohio, folks. (can't you just taste the smog?)

----------------

*rounding out those five are mexican food, beer specials and my mama.

doctor's orders.

2009-11-08T15:04:00.005-05:00

is there a doctor in the house, you might ask, trying to be cute. because you know that my husband is now a doctor (of philosophy, not of helping people). and because you know that i have been extremely ill.

your little joke wouldn't garner even a smile from this girl. because a) there actually isn't doctor in the house. currently, he's out having rip-roaring sunday afternoon while i sit here coughing and b) it hurts my lungs when i smile.

i try to be positive on this little blog, because who really wants to hear me bitch? but right on time to ruin my life, that old cough came back and with it, a fever and enough snot to fill the grand canyon. to be clear, i'm not wanting to bitch here. i'm wanting you to feel sorry for me.

so i give you, things i have missed because my body is weak and god hates me:

-tearing it up on thursday night for my newly minted doctor. despite my poor health, i did sit at the bar long enough to drink a gatorade, cough in every one's beer and scowl at every one's cigarette. i went home around 7:45 thinking i might just die on lee street.

-alas, i did not die. instead, i woke up with a higher fever and had to call in sick to work. i hate calling in sick to work. i'm a perfect attendance kind of girl. and, instead of my usual mismosa friday on the porch, i sat on the couch for daytime-television-friday (which by the way was a gorgeous, sunny, temperate day). didn't even catch a buzz from my meds, either.

-yesterday, still sick, i missed MY birthday lunch in charleson. while i'm happy the meal went on without me, i was a little more than bitter to hear from pgc just how thick the scallops were on the po' boy. i, again, sat on the couch and watched it's always sunny in philadelphia, which isn't as funny as everyone says it is. i also watched the another crisp, fall day begin and end through the slits in the blinds.

-today, while very much recovering, was told that instead of watching the football at the bar like everyone else, i needed to stay home and rest. don't wanna overdo it, ash. i gave the cat a bath, so someone would suffer like i am. oh, and guess what the weather's like?

i haven't put on real clothes or make-up in days. i've been eating things that i cannot taste. i am tired of talking to cats. and seriously, this philadelphia show, i thought it was supposed to be phenomenal?!

birthday foodie.

2009-11-03T10:09:00.003-05:00

best birthday ever.

after a crazy weekend of candy and coughing and too many fun things to recount, a quiet birthday was just what i needed. quiet but food-filled, of course.

the day started with a homemade red velvet cake from a good friend and coworker. holy moly, what a little food dye can do.

lunch was mr. friendly's chicken stack (that's grilled chicken topped with fried green tomatoes topped with a scoop of homemade pimento cheese...all on top of mashed potatoes), fine dining without the pretension, folks!

for dinner, pgc and i hit up camon--hands down the best sushi in town. sure, you can get 25 cent rolls at the other places...but seriously, you feel comfortable paying 25 cents for raw fish? ah, and where are the waiters cuter and more accommodating?

and because it's not your birthday without two kinds of cake...paul delivered on a sheet cake from piggly wiggly. gamecock colors and all.

i know you're all dying to know what i got. we'll, i got a humidifier. and not just any humidifier, this one came with monsters of folk tickets in it for next wednesday night in atl. !!! check out the cvs on assembly--maybe there's more of these special humidifiers there. we'd love to carpool!

to round out the day, all i wanted to do was pull on my blob pants (yup, it's blob pant season down here) and watch spinal tap. so that's what we did. and it was awesome.

i fell asleep happy and humidified. the luckiest birthday girl in the world.

happy anniversary, blog. (and an appe-teaser.)

2009-10-30T10:01:00.004-04:00

while i was coughing, we missed this blog's one year anniversary. can you believe it? one year.

but you're the real stars, readers. you. and you and you.

----------------------------------------------------

i leave you with a thought to ponder over the weekend.

there are two kinds of people in this world. the kind that--as soon as seated at a mexican restaurant--order queso, and those who wouldn't dream of it.

more about appetizers on monday.

30 awesome days hath novemeber.

2009-10-29T14:46:00.002-04:00

alright, alright. here i am. blogging. happy now?

(i'm being sarcastic. please don't stop paying attention to me.)

so, i kinda caught the plaque. that's why i've been gone. not to mention the excessive tv watching, lasagna making and ebay surfing with which i've been consumed. really important stuff.

we went tailgating last weekend. by all accounts, a success. i've talked a lot of smack over the years about tailgating and the certain breed of people who do it. but i must admit, drinking in a parking lot is really fun. i could take or leave the game. which turned out to be cold and frustrating, as football isn't nearly as easy to watch without those yellow lines that tell you how far the guy has to run.

also, you can't drink in the stadium....so....it was like an instant headache. hungover at 8p.m. is a low place to be. at my age, anyway.

speaking of age, i turn the big 2-5 on monday. no gifts, please. e-mail me and i'll give you a routing number for direct deposit. i'm super excited about 25. what i nice, square number. as it is on a monday, this b-day should be low key, which is how i like these things now. being the center of attention is exhausting. (please don't stop paying attention to me.)

things in the cook household are crazy like that gnarles barkley song. pgc is sending out dozens and dozens and dozens of job apps. poor thing. there's nothing as crippling as a job search. don't feel too bad for him, though...at 29, this will be his first major job search. the rest of us had dignity handed to us at 22. if you pray, pray for him. if you don't, do it anyway...god loves to hear from you.

halloween is almost here and i need to get moving. i haven't bought candy or a pumpkin or my 900 dollar squirrel outfit. it's the same thing every year: i get very jazzed about halloween in august (mostly because it makes me think about candy) and by the time it gets here, i'm too bothered by all the holiday frenzy to even dress up.

after halloween is through, you can all get ready for something much bigger: pgc earning his doctoral cred. a week from today, my lovely counterpart will defend (to the death if need be) his dissertation and earn the title of doctor. doctor pgc. again, no gifts. direct deposit only. or you can buy us a drink. but something top-shelf, okay? this is a big deal.

after dr. pgc's shindig, it will be time for another travel writing adventure. i've been set up at the doubletree in downtown chattanooga, and this time mama is coming along as i formulate 1,000 words to describe my favorite tennessee town.

after that, it'll be turkey time.

viva november!

beer me the weekend, already.

2009-10-20T15:40:00.003-04:00

last night, we celebrated.

a good friend earned the title of doctor (and apparently the right to sabotage pool games by throwing balls into the pockets. hey, he said, i'm a doctor).

i was on my best behavior--getting down on wednesday is one thing. monday is like my mandatory boring night. i had maybe 3 beers and even managed to look like i maybe knew what i was doing on the pool table.

we were in bed by ten and asleep by ten-thirty.

and yet i slept through an hour of alarms. i thought it was saturday. because, generally monday nights are nothing like friday nights.

i'm all off today; had to eat my peanut butter oatmeal at work.

this weekend can't get here soon enough. friday mimosas on the porch are quickly becoming a tradition.

on saturday we are heading down to the industrial wasteland that is the stadium to tailgate (can you tailgate with a camry?). and then cross our fingers that vandy doesn't ruin our season for the third year in a row. i will not be wearing pearls or a strapless dress or anything resembling a heel. i will be the one with a hooded sweatshirt on. just because i'm partaking doesn't mean i approve.

fired chicken, potato salad, miller lite.

it's cold now, but it will probably be summer again by then. i might even get one last sun tan.

let me know if you want to come. and if you can make crab dip.

planning on it.

2009-10-15T15:37:00.005-04:00

paul and i are planners. we do nothing spontaneously and always have dinner at 6.

so far, we have a pretty detailed five year plan sketched out. a job for paul. maybe or maybe not a child (that poor child), depending on how i feel that year, and...an rv.

the great thing about the rv is that you get to travel together (which we love) without actually having to be together (which we need). see below for the background on this.

while paul's up front (i am not allowed nor would ever want to drive something that big) i can sit in the back in listen to music/watch tv/criticize his driving in a normal tone of voice without him hearing me.

when i do get lonely (it happens), i can crawl up to the front and listen to paul pontificate about the road.

oh, and the money we'll save on hotels! the picture above was taken in big sur, ca. a hotel room there would be more than $150, you better believe. But that spot right there? maybe $40.

part of the plan is to drive every summer (professor+freelance writer=freedom!) and to fly our friends and family out to certain stops. paul's parents need to see the west, my parents need to see the northeast, and we will need to see our friends after all that time away (and with our folks).

some people have made fun of this plan. don't make fun of this plan. because you never know when i might call you with a plane ticket and an invitation to paradise! you can sleep on the bunk board.

motivation.

2009-10-09T10:47:00.006-04:00

a while back, a good friend of mine and i were talking about life in front of a computer. while i know this young man works very, very hard, he also admitted to some internet privilege abuse. i believe his exact word were:

"i'm scared that one day a page will pop up and say 'you've reached the end of the internet'"

oh, close your mouth. don't pretend like you don't surf at work.

before computers, people read magazines and filed their nails at work--which was a lot less stimulating than the following:

my favorite new "breaks" from work.

1. you suck at craigslist.

i know this for a fact. as you know, i adore craigslist. adore it. but some people really do suck at it.

2. people of walmart.

file this one under "why didn't i think of this!?!" you've heard of this, right? it's gotten a lot of press. for obvious reasons:

3. kittenwar.
a friend actually introduced this site to me the other day. extra points for interactivity! vote on the cutest kitten. (i can't really do that, because i don't want to hurt any cat's feelings. so i just alternate between left and right. could you chose?)

trust me, these sites will make your tps reports so much better.

charm city.

2009-10-07T10:33:00.004-04:00

we did make it alive (and still married) to baltimore. washington dc tried to snare us in its confusing web of freeways and highways, but we made it out safely...through the magic of...teamwor--ah, who am i kidding?

we were tired. we were hungry. tired and hungry enough for strip mall pizza by the time we found my parents at the hotel. maybe it was the fatigue, but the pizza was the jam--and just what we needed to wake up.

after lunch, i promptly ditched paul to hit up the outlet mall with my mama. i'm not so sure why i was excited about this. anymore, when the two of us go shopping, i become her personal fashion consultant. her "stacy and clinton," if you will.

it seems that when most women get to a certain age, they are utterly incapable of picking out stylish pants on their own.

"what, you mean hiding my belly under my jeans isn't working? you can still see it? what if i tuck my shirt in?"

"these pants are too long! gee whiz, they almost touch the floor! go get me the 6 ankle, that should do the trick."

"look at the flare on these puppies, bootleg is not for me."

no no no no no and no. ladies, please.

anyway, mama made out like a bandit and i settled for a cotton dress from the gap. i tried not to pout but i think my bottom lip might have swelled, a little.

friday night was all about fellowship. the asian cuisine and american beer kind of fellowship. folks from all over gathered to celebrate my cousin's new marriage. i love weddings!

saturday morning we hit downtown. as you know, we've been watching the wire pretty obsessively for a few months now. so driving into downtown baltimore was like driving into a place i had been 50 times (approximately 4 seasons). but there were no corner boys, or lil' hoppers or re-ups falling from the windows. i guess we were in the wrong spot.

actually, baltimore is beautiful. all the ships and the old steeples and that breeze coming off the bay. lovely.

saturday night was the "non-wedding." the "non-wedding" included the following:
-casual clothes
-a party inside the ruins of an old women's correctional institution (for women who had opinions)
-crabs, potatoes, corn (almost a lowcountry broil!)
-lots of drinks
-cake!
-dance party at a local bar
-a hilarious taxi ride home with my drunken family. they're much funnier when they're drunk, i must say.
-a pretty wicked hangover...

...just in time for our drive back home. i'll leave that part out, though. (you're welcome.)

we came home with the conclusion that the south needs to reclaim maryland (what's this mid-atlantic thing? who made that up?) and baltimore will be our capital (eff atlanta).

congrats ellie and steve! and thanks for the drinks.

car language.

2009-10-05T19:04:00.007-04:00

leaving for a road trip right after work always seems like a great idea. i always think i'll be itching for some open road and gas station boiled peanuts after all those hours under florescent lights. the truth is, the only things i'm ready for after work are a) a nap b) a drink or c) a fight. seeing as how a and b were unavailable to me on the first leg of our journey to baltimore last friday, i was forced to indulge in the third.

pgc and i love to travel together, i swear. in fact, buying an rv is a major part of our five year plan. and yet, once the speedometer hits 60, someone has a harsh word (or seventeen) for the other.

even when we are being nice to each other, we're not.

"don't you thinkg you're driving a little fast, doll (or any negative adjective/adverb)?"
translation: clearly you do not value my life or you would drive carefully and respectfully.

"i don't want to listen to music, let's just have a conversation. i love talking to you."
translation: you have the shittiest taste in music of anyone i've ever met.

"you can listen to sports talk, if you want, honey."
translation: if you say one more boring word about the boring things you're interested in, i'm going to jump out of the window.

"can you wait to pee, sweetheart, or do you need to go now?"
translation: i'm not stopping this car until columbia. and even then, i'm just letting you out and driving away.

"i miss the cats. don't you miss the cats?"
translation: let's talk about the one thing we agree on.

"you can get wendy's, i'm just going to eat my leftovers from yesterday."
translation: someone has to be concerned about the financial well-being of this family. and it makes me feel better than you to be that someone. but i really want a double stack.

ah, marriage.

honestly, i do enjoy most of our time in the car. and even the times we fight (or pretend not to) are enlightening. we're still learning how to interact with each other. and how not to be the selfish jerks that we are.

anyway, baltimore was a blast. more on that tomorrow.

things to come.

2009-09-30T14:29:00.007-04:00

we're going to baltimore this weekend, where i'm going to find this gentleman:

that's detective jimmy mcnulty, for those who don't know (why don't you know?).

other than that, we're going to celebrate a marriage, eat some crab and get down at some outlet malls. an h&m outlet may be karma's way of rewarding me for going so long without one in my entire state.

things are particularly hectic for the young scholar i share my residence with, so now seems like great timing to get away for a bit. though fall seems to be moving into columbia and you never know when it will leave again (probably next tuesday). we're all dreading summer v.3.

the cats have fleas again, which means they must be in the house. this does not bother me as much as it should. when you've killed as many cockroaches as i have, fleas seem pretty innocuous. easy for me to say, sure, i'm not itching myself to death.

anyway, this is all rather boring, isn't it?

the exciting topic of the day (in my head) is what i am going to be for halloween which is now only 31 days away. this is what i'm thinking:

it's only $895.00. what do you think?

this weekend. (decisions/consequences.)

2009-09-29T15:18:00.005-04:00

the gamecocks stress me out:i was, shall we say, a bit ill on friday.

i got friends with porches:friday afternoon hangover cure.

netflix:5 straight episodes of the wire before a 10pm bedtime.

money in my pocket:the thrift store. the drug store (i love hair accessories). the record store.

90's themed party:green fingernails.

no nail polish remover:green fingernails on tuesday.

i got friends with pit bulls:sunday afternoons are the best.

sunday morning hashbrown feast:the scale lies. (right!?)

the scale has no reason to be dishonest:bicycle ride around old shandon last night.

a year of sedentary lifestyle:quads on fire.

baby baby baby

2009-09-23T15:15:00.005-04:00

i unbuttoned my pants at my desk today. they were just making me miserable. i felt bad, like i was cheating at life, but i had way way way too much hummus for lunch and might need to make a trip to belk later tonight (do we need to go over my poop places, again, or can you just find that one in the archives?).

also at lunch, i decided that i will never have babies. really. i looked gitmo straight in his blurry eye and said, "mo-man, you will be the only baby i ever have. ever." (his brother is straight up demon, not a baby.)

what had happened was that i caught a baby story on tlc. in case there are any ladies reading this blog that plan on having children, i'm going to leave out the details. because what occurred on this particular episode--let's just say mother mary would have told that angel, "no thanks."

but can i just say--who lets every member of their extended family watch their you know stretch to the size of a gallon of milk?! including their mother-in-law?!

my own mother would be lucky to be in there. and we would have a strict above-the-waist rule.

pgc would not gain admittance. i would find a way to kill him, i know.

i mean, i can hardly deal with a little post-lunch bloat.